What Does Public Mean?

The other day as we were out, I mentioned, "Oh we are near the public library."

Kegan asked, "What does public mean?"

I said, "It means it is open to everyone."

She said, "So anyone can go there, no matter what color they are, if they are white or black or Asian. No matter what religion they are or what beliefs they have."

I was so proud that she understands how important it is to be aware of being fair and accepting of others despite our differences. I know, her understanding of the word "public" doesn't necessarily mean she actually does get it. But we preach that a lot and I think she is getting it. I think Kegan knows we always have more similarities with others than differences and we need to respect others.

I added, "No matter if they are a boy, girl, boy-girl, girl-boy. No matter if they have lots of education or hardly any education, No matter if they are rich with lots of money or poor with hardly any money."

I hope our kids belief that all people are worthy of love will always sway their hearts and lead them in their decisions. I hope they always have public hearts...open for everyone.

Girl Compliments

I always give my kids compliments on how nice they look. (I also praise their kindness, loving choices, intelligence, etc., but I think it is important to also teach them to accept and deliver compliments on people's appearances. Yikes that comes off as shallow, but it isn't, I promise. Sometimes a passing, "Great scarf!" as a )

Today, Sean was dressed very boyish. (Oh how entrenched I have become in labels now that we have moved slightly away from gender neutral parenting and more into the world of trying to look more girly for Kegan.) Sean was wearing a graphic tee-shirt, khaki's, and rain-boots. He looked, as always, super cute. 

Kegan had planned to wear a tank type dress, but then in an unusual act of heeding the weather, decided she wanted to wear long sleeves. She wore a glittery, ruffly, long sleeve shirt and white pants. Super cute and by some amazing miracle from just yesterday, her hair is now just barely long enough to give it a little side swept bang thing, i.e., her hair is now slightly less "growing out an obvious boy haircut" and a teeny bit more "growing out a bad haircut." I think between the outfit being very feminine and her hair looking more girly, this might have been the first time I could really see the physical girl in Kegan as opposed to the emotional, intellectual one who I have known for a year or so. 

As we were getting ready to walk out the door, I said, "Kegan, you look really nice." Then my sweet, sensitive Sean said, "You look pretty Kegan." Kegan got this big, beautiful smile on her face and said, "Thank you!" I think she really wants Sean to see her as a girl, maybe even more than she wants others to see her as a girl right now. She and Sean have been "the boys," "the brothers," for so long and this division of gender is definitely tough on Sean, but I think it is a little tough on Kegan too. She is gaining her true identity, but also losing the only identity she has ever known. 

I don't know where Sean learned that girls are told they look pretty, versus nice or handsome or good. All those lovely compliments do work for both genders of course, but when was the last time a boy was called pretty without a quick correction or self-admonishment? I still do try to be gender neutral in praise, education, and toy selection, but Sean nailed it today. In doing so, he gave his sister a big dose of love.

Tonight, Sean said, "Kegan, I love you Kegan." Kegan responded, "I love you too, Sean." There are other factors in play, but I think their love is growing during this transition as they learn to know each other in a new way. Even though Kegan really is still Kegan, she is happier and more loving in some ways. Maybe she has a peace inside her now that was missing. 

"And Then I Shifted Up to Girl."

Kegan told me today, "I am a girl." Kegan wants to be referred to as "she and her" only, versus a mix of both gender pronouns as she was preferring. She wants us to call her Sean's "big sister" only, not "big sibling." She is however, still our son, not our daughter. Transition....like a butterfly....takes time and steps.

I decided I needed to tell Sean that we are all going to use Kegan's preferred pronouns of she/her exclusively now. (We have been using a mix of she/he/him/her by Kegan's request.) I asked Sean, "So can you do that with us?" He said, "No." Not because Sean is anti-transgender, just because Sean is two. I said, "I know this is a big change, for a long time we have only called Kegan him and he." Kegan interrupted and said, "For like ninety years or nine years?" I said, "Well since you were born, so five and a half years." Kegan said, "Well actually five years, because then I said "I was a boy-girl" and you would call me "he/she" and "him/her," but then I shifted up to girl. So for five years you said he and him." And that is that.

This is actually a relief in terms of society if Kegan is identifying as only a girl. Society isn't that fond of differences, but at least a specific switch from one gender to another seems more "reasonable," than a constant fluidity to this world. I don't know how people who are bigender, agender, etc. survive in our "fit in boxes neatly" world. Knowing Kegan may be bigender has been much harder than knowing Kegan may be male to female transgender for me. Not because I care one way or the other, but because I want Kegan to have the easier road. Being honest, I want Kegan to have the easiest road, Sean too, of course. I know that is not a fair hope, but it is my mama hope for my children. Kegan will not have an easy road, but being one gender consistently does seem at least simpler and more likely to have greater acceptance by society. (Even if that is a different gender than the one a person was given at birth.)

I asked Kegan, "Do you think you will shift to boy-girl again?" She answered, "No." I asked, "Are you a girl inside?" She said, "Yes." (On a side note, I am so thankful Kegan is so articulate, her choice of words is often so clear, this new phrase, which may never be spoken again by her, seems quite clear; a shift in the transition or the next level. Yep...just like a caterpillar has several steps before emerging from the chrysalis.

So....if today was my twenty week ultrasound, I would proclaim, "It's a girl!" I am a boy (Sean) and a girl (Kegan) Mom now. And I feel at peace. As long as I am thinking about our own little private world with the people who love Kegan for Kegan. When I let my mind travel outside our safe zone, outside our gates...the worry is still there. Today though, it is rainy and gloomy, but my Kegan is bright with light and self-knowledge and that brings peace.

Mom Fail

Kegan and Sean came to work with me today. My total time at work was very brief, but the time I spent preparing and stressing over Kegan's outfit choice was hours.

Kegan has begun wearing dresses almost all the time. I am not particularly close to anyone at work and have not shared Kegan's transgender status with anyone there yet. The kids have maybe come to my office three times in over two years. I know the day is coming when we will be fully out, but I also feel like there are people who don't need to know yet. My colleagues fall into that category. I am not ashamed, if anything I am proud of my child for being so self-aware. I am nervous about negative reactions. I don't think I am quite ready to bring my personal life through the door at work. That is not actually accurate, I am not ready to face a loss of hours (I work on-call) if my boss reacts as I expect based on her conservative outlook.

While I didn't want Kegan wearing a dress, I also didn't want to say he/she could not wear in a dress. So I set the stage and hoped for the outcome I wanted, fortunately Kegan followed my script even without getting the lines. I simply asked, "Are you going to wear these pants today?" I know these particular pants have a special place in Kegan's heart and they definitely fall into the male gender label. Kegan selected the "boyish" outfit and I was relieved. (Guilty too, but I truly do have fears about my employer(s) decreasing my hours based on disagreement with my parenting on this issue, so my guilt was overruled by survival. And Kegan was happy with the outfit, so no harm, no foul.   I hope.)

We arrived at work and my kids were awesome. I was nervous about their behavior because I knew they would have to be calm and quiet (not always their strengths). I left feeling an overwhelming sense of pride and my heart truly felt full at how beautifully they had behaved. So I was feeling good, but I was concerned Kegan was not.

Whenever I talk with Kegan about transgender issues I try to be so cool and casual, like, "So we can talk about this, but it is so not a big deal, and if you would prefer to talk about the color of mud on a rainy day, that is equally as awesome as having this totally not important conversation." That is the image I strive to present, but what I am actually feeling is, "Holy cow, do not screw this up, play it cool, play it cool, do not make Kegan feel awkward, don't be pushy, be open-ended, do not mess up!"

In my mind, talking while we drive is a good location. Kegan is "trapped" and we can't see each other's faces well, so that means it is low key and casual. As we left the parking lot we had this conversation:

Me: So at work everyone kept saying, "Oooh, look at the brothers." How do you feel about that?

Kegan: Not good.

Me: Was it okay that I didn't say anything about it or should I have said something to them?

Kegan: You should have told them to say, "Look at the siblings."

Me: Okay, I am sorry, next time I will. Why do you think people kept saying "brothers"?

Kegan: I don't know.

Me: Do you think they just thought you were a boy?

Kegan: Maybe.

Me: What are you?

Kegan: A girl.

Me: Are you a boy-girl or a just a girl?

Kegan: A girl. Maybe next time I will wear a dress.

Me: Yeah, that might be a good idea.

So that is not verbatim because I didn't think to hit record on my phone, but I need to start doing so because then I can over analyze every word I said and every response Kegan gave even more in depth than I do already. While it may not be an exact transcript, it is pretty close.

I am not sure how much Kegan is processing with each new experiences, but it seems he gets that if he wears a dress people will see him/her as a girl, which is clearly what Kegan needs. It is interesting that Kegan said "I am a girl," versus the usual "boy-girl." My husband and I are expecting Kegan to identify as a girl versus boy-girl based on Kegan's comments and behaviors. So far Kegan has not done so, but has identified as both a boy and girl. Maybe that is a gateway to a full transition. Maybe Kegan is just very fluid now and always will be.

Either way, I better put my game face on and hope my employers are more accepting than I am giving them credit for because the next time we go there Kegan is going to make sure no one sees him/her as boy only. I am so proud of Kegan for knowing who he/she is. I hope that when the taunts inevitably begin (hopefully not for years!), Kegan can remember how safe he/she was for so long, how boldly and quietly he/she identified his/her gender and gender expression. I hope Kegan's total lack of awareness, of how different he/she is from society's expectations for a five year old born with a penis, segues nicely into strength and courage when he/she does realize he/she is different than many, but definitely not all.

A Rose By Any Other Name

Why Kegan and Sean? As my profile shows, my kids names in real life are different than on this blog. I am constantly conflicted as to how public to be with raising a transgender child and how to protect said child's identity and safety.

I hope to be as honest and raw as possible on this blog. But this is not only my story. This is my husband's story, my transgender child's story (especially!), and our youngest son's story. Is it even fair for me to be here? Do I have a right, parental or otherwise, to be so open? But do I have an obligation to all the other members of Kegan's LGBTQ community to be bold enough to tell our story so it gets normalized?

I am so hopeful and have such a strong belief that if this community and its allies are honest, loving, and strive to educate the world, we will see more acceptance in Kegan's lifetime. I have to hope for that, because otherwise my heart is crushed when I read crime stats against transgender people. My heart hurts when I read stories about victims being blamed for the actions of their bullies. My being aches with fear and sorrow when I read what a tough road my child is on.

If I tell Kegan's story maybe it will help another family to know they are not alone. Maybe it will help a bigot to see underneath all this focus on gender we are just a regular, boring family with two kids who like to run, jump, sing songs, and be silly.  Maybe it will shine a light in the dark corners of a heart and let a child be allowed to come home to his/her parents. And if all that fails, Kegan will at least know I tried my best to make the world safer and more loving for him/her. Kegan will have a journal to show I did everything with love, even my failures were meant to be loving.

Back to the original question. Why Kegan? Kegan is a gender-neutral Irish name that means bright shining flame. This child has been light to us since the day she/he was born. Kegan is now lighting the way to be true to himself/herself. Kegan is lighting the way for other transgender kids to be true to their own identities as well. Kegan is a beacon of light and hope in our society.

Why Sean? Sean is also Irish, typically used for males and means God is gracious.  Sean is our planned-for bonus from God. We didn't know if we would be able to have another baby and Sean was given to us purely by the grace of God. So this seemed a fitting code name.

Their names don't really matter, the names are just placeholders so the story can be read. What matters is the story and I hope as we live our story it is true to Kegan's being.

Are We Enough?

I keep telling myself Kegan has a safe home environment, an environment that never questions who he/she is and that is enough to protect Kegan. Even though the world and even extended family members may be against Kegan for being Kegan, home is safe and that can be life saving.

No matter what challenges and obstacles Kegan faces in the world, he/she will always have a safe home to come back to. But what if that isn't enough? I just read that transgender people have an even higher murder rate than gay and lesbian people. What if my child, one day, can't make it home in time?

My gosh, our world is harsh and I fear so much for my baby. I worry about the neighbors seeing this often covered in mud and barefoot kid walking out in a sundress this spring. Literally, the other day, Kegan wanted to get the mail and it was a rare nice day aka the neighbor kids might be outside. I was panicked about my child being spotted and laughed it.

We have told our family and many friends about Kegan being bigender. But I still need to tell our quite working-class, hunter neighbors. Soon, like last week, before any more "sunny and warm in the 50's" days happen.

She Passed

My kid passed tonight. From what I understand this is one of the biggest challenges faced by transgender people. And tonight, at five years old, in a pink twirly shirt and brown leggings with striped ruffles at the ankles he/she passed.

We had met an African American man in the kids section of a department store who told my youngest his new rain boots were "fly" earlier. This gentleman, in his forties, and the father of five (two grown, three at home) raved about the red rubber boots, giving my baby some of the attention usually lavished on my oldest.

Later when my husband had taken my oldest to the bathroom, the little one and I were wandering around. We heard someone coming and as we turned to greet our returning family members, I saw it was not them, but the same friendly man from the kids department. He saw us and realized who we were waiting for, he said, "They're coming! Daddy and your sister are coming!" He high fived my fly little one while I stood there in awe and excitement that this milestone had occurred.

I suppose this isn't the first time, people see what they expect to see. Someone sees a cute kid in pink clothes and black Mary Janes and generally assumes it is a girl. Despite the messy, awkward growing out haircut. This is the first time though, that it has been verbalized.

The irony, (Is it irony? Alannis has forever confused me!) is as they headed into the bathroom, I overheard Kegan say, "We will go in the men's room, because we are both men." What I didn't hear because it was said as the door closed behind them was Kegan saying, "But....I am probably a girl."