"Sister"

My kids are playing groceries/serving right now and Sean just said, "I be right back, sister." 

My heart just kind of skipped a beat or two. To hear Sean call Kegan his "sister" is beautiful and comforting. Sean is clearly adapting to these new pronouns and labels. He has said "she" and "her" a few times over the past few days when referring to Kegan, but is certainly on a learning curve of remembering to use these new words in reference to the person known as his "brother" until recently. 

It makes me sad that Sean will never remember having a big brother. Sean will remember for now that Kegan is "changing" from a boy to a girl, but once Kegan has long hair or at least a more feminine hairstyle, once Kegan always wears typical girl clothes, once everyone starts using the proper pronouns for her...Sean will lose the memories of being "brothers" and "the boys."  Sean is not even three...I very much doubt he will even remember anything from this year. 

His lack of memory is bittersweet to me. Sean has expressed on more than one occasion, "I just want Kegan to dress like me." This tells me he struggles with losing a brother who will wear a matching outfit, who will proclaim loudly their same gender. I am glad if he won't remember any sorrow from this year. At the same time, I am sad he won't remember the special "boy bond" they had. 

There has never been anything very "boy" ruled about their existence. They play with dolls as much as they play with trains and trucks. They come in covered in mud, as often as they sit quietly reading books to each other. I have never considered any of those activities to be very boy or very girl centric...they are just kid activities. Things all kids should be allowed to do freely regardless of their gender.  And maybe their activities aren't what defined them as "the brothers" or "the boys," in fact, I know that isn't. Those two labels were bestowed simply because of their genitalia and used because of their clothing choices, their short haircuts, their lack of feminine attributes. So really, the label doesn't matter, but it is still a little sad to lose it. "The brother and sister" just doesn't have the same affection as their former labels.

Girl Compliments

I always give my kids compliments on how nice they look. (I also praise their kindness, loving choices, intelligence, etc., but I think it is important to also teach them to accept and deliver compliments on people's appearances. Yikes that comes off as shallow, but it isn't, I promise. Sometimes a passing, "Great scarf!" as a )

Today, Sean was dressed very boyish. (Oh how entrenched I have become in labels now that we have moved slightly away from gender neutral parenting and more into the world of trying to look more girly for Kegan.) Sean was wearing a graphic tee-shirt, khaki's, and rain-boots. He looked, as always, super cute. 

Kegan had planned to wear a tank type dress, but then in an unusual act of heeding the weather, decided she wanted to wear long sleeves. She wore a glittery, ruffly, long sleeve shirt and white pants. Super cute and by some amazing miracle from just yesterday, her hair is now just barely long enough to give it a little side swept bang thing, i.e., her hair is now slightly less "growing out an obvious boy haircut" and a teeny bit more "growing out a bad haircut." I think between the outfit being very feminine and her hair looking more girly, this might have been the first time I could really see the physical girl in Kegan as opposed to the emotional, intellectual one who I have known for a year or so. 

As we were getting ready to walk out the door, I said, "Kegan, you look really nice." Then my sweet, sensitive Sean said, "You look pretty Kegan." Kegan got this big, beautiful smile on her face and said, "Thank you!" I think she really wants Sean to see her as a girl, maybe even more than she wants others to see her as a girl right now. She and Sean have been "the boys," "the brothers," for so long and this division of gender is definitely tough on Sean, but I think it is a little tough on Kegan too. She is gaining her true identity, but also losing the only identity she has ever known. 

I don't know where Sean learned that girls are told they look pretty, versus nice or handsome or good. All those lovely compliments do work for both genders of course, but when was the last time a boy was called pretty without a quick correction or self-admonishment? I still do try to be gender neutral in praise, education, and toy selection, but Sean nailed it today. In doing so, he gave his sister a big dose of love.

Tonight, Sean said, "Kegan, I love you Kegan." Kegan responded, "I love you too, Sean." There are other factors in play, but I think their love is growing during this transition as they learn to know each other in a new way. Even though Kegan really is still Kegan, she is happier and more loving in some ways. Maybe she has a peace inside her now that was missing.