"And Then I Shifted Up to Girl."

Kegan told me today, "I am a girl." Kegan wants to be referred to as "she and her" only, versus a mix of both gender pronouns as she was preferring. She wants us to call her Sean's "big sister" only, not "big sibling." She is however, still our son, not our daughter. Transition....like a butterfly....takes time and steps.

I decided I needed to tell Sean that we are all going to use Kegan's preferred pronouns of she/her exclusively now. (We have been using a mix of she/he/him/her by Kegan's request.) I asked Sean, "So can you do that with us?" He said, "No." Not because Sean is anti-transgender, just because Sean is two. I said, "I know this is a big change, for a long time we have only called Kegan him and he." Kegan interrupted and said, "For like ninety years or nine years?" I said, "Well since you were born, so five and a half years." Kegan said, "Well actually five years, because then I said "I was a boy-girl" and you would call me "he/she" and "him/her," but then I shifted up to girl. So for five years you said he and him." And that is that.

This is actually a relief in terms of society if Kegan is identifying as only a girl. Society isn't that fond of differences, but at least a specific switch from one gender to another seems more "reasonable," than a constant fluidity to this world. I don't know how people who are bigender, agender, etc. survive in our "fit in boxes neatly" world. Knowing Kegan may be bigender has been much harder than knowing Kegan may be male to female transgender for me. Not because I care one way or the other, but because I want Kegan to have the easier road. Being honest, I want Kegan to have the easiest road, Sean too, of course. I know that is not a fair hope, but it is my mama hope for my children. Kegan will not have an easy road, but being one gender consistently does seem at least simpler and more likely to have greater acceptance by society. (Even if that is a different gender than the one a person was given at birth.)

I asked Kegan, "Do you think you will shift to boy-girl again?" She answered, "No." I asked, "Are you a girl inside?" She said, "Yes." (On a side note, I am so thankful Kegan is so articulate, her choice of words is often so clear, this new phrase, which may never be spoken again by her, seems quite clear; a shift in the transition or the next level. Yep...just like a caterpillar has several steps before emerging from the chrysalis.

So....if today was my twenty week ultrasound, I would proclaim, "It's a girl!" I am a boy (Sean) and a girl (Kegan) Mom now. And I feel at peace. As long as I am thinking about our own little private world with the people who love Kegan for Kegan. When I let my mind travel outside our safe zone, outside our gates...the worry is still there. Today though, it is rainy and gloomy, but my Kegan is bright with light and self-knowledge and that brings peace.