Officially Our "Normal"

Today I learned that I have officially moved into the "normal" of having a daughter. Kegan had a doctor appointment with a specialist we check in with every year or so. While we were waiting to meet with the doctor, her fellow came in. I have not met this fellow before, but I knew she had read the chart because they are super thorough. I had not made an announcement about Kegan's transition but they knew to call her by the correct name (and did) based on the "alias" created by the universal e-record system several of the local providers share. (And maybe my polite reminder to the friendly, non-fazed receptionist.)

So the fellow came in and greeted Kegan by her correct name, we all exchanged the "Hello's" and "How are you's?" common in our world. The fellow then sat down and asked, "So, how are things? Any changes? What's new?"

I literally looked at her, paused, thought, and then replied, "Ummm, no, nothing really, no changes."

She looked at me a little perplexedly with a slight tile of her head, to which I looked back at her, and then after a few seconds, said, "Ooooooh! [insert awkward, "I am a clueless mom" chuckle] Yes, Kegan has transitioned."

Is it totally awesome that I completely forgot that this is kind of huge news? I am thinking that yes, it is totally awesome. I knew we had completed the "transition phase," but this just takes things to a whole new and better level.

Thank You Mills College

Dear Mills College,

Thank you from the depths of my soul. My amazing, bright, talented, creative, sometimes moody, always clever, sometimes very kind, smart daughter is male to female transgender. Your school would be fortunate to have her as a member of the Mills College Class of 2030 and you have already paved the way for her. Thank you for opening your doors to this often marginalized population, a population that is equally deserving of a college education as cisgender women.

It may seem odd that one of the issues I have worried about was the chance that my daughter would not have the opportunity to attend an all-female college, especially since she is only six years old. Clearly, I have no idea if she will desire to attend a same-gender college or not, but the fact that it was not an option on the table has saddened me much more than anyone knows.

As the mom of a trans* kid, I have plenty to worry about. It seemed like worrying about her desire to or her ability to attend an all-girls college should be pretty low on my priority list. (I don't actually prioritize my worry list, but I do have a mental worry list. It is sort of like a "to-do" list, only useless.) I kept it low, in the back of my mind, I never even mentioned it to anyone until today.

But I did worry about it. I hated that she may not be able to participate in an education geared towards all-girls. I had the honor of an all-girls high school education and while initially I didn't love it and while I don't have lifelong friends from the experience, I am so grateful for that education. There is something incredible about sitting in a classroom without any boys to distract you, without feeling like you need to prove you are as good as the boys in science or math, without feeling like the boys may not like me if I was too smart or not smart enough. It was freeing to go to school without the weight of having to glam up for the day. And aside from all that, it was just something special.

My heart has been heavy about the possible lack of a single gender education for my daughter since she came out. I kept it a secret because there are certainly bigger issues on our agenda right now....raising her to be strong in her true self, sorting through which family members are worth fighting for after they rejected us, keeping therapy appointments to make sure we don't mess up this very special parenting situation. Where she would attend college in twelve(!) years and who would be in her classes seemed like they needed to low on my radar. But they secretly weren't. But now, thanks to you, Mills College, it can just move right off my radar.

I already ordered two t-shirts and a pair of yoga pants from your bookstore and can't wait to proudly sport and support your excellent institution. Thank you and Go Cyclones!

Sincerely,
Kay

Her Light Glows Brighter

There is a lovely, lovely woman who I have known for about five months. Her daughter and Kegan are in a class together. Kegan has been wearing girl clothes to this class for about a month. The only comments she has received have been oohs and aahs over the cute styles. One of the little girls in the class tells her mom every other week, "I want a shirt like Kegan's" or "Did you see Kegan's shoes, I want shoes like that!" 

Last week, I told this woman that Kegan is transgender and identifies as a girl. She was immediately accepting and kind. She said many things, all of them quite perfect. I wish I could remember all the gems of wisdom she shared, but I do remember how my heart felt comforted that she was accepting and her daughter would be allowed to continue to be friends with Kegan.

I sent a hasty email to the moms I am friends with in this class last night, along with our amazing teacher to let them know about Kegan's new name. The responses I received from each were beyond my expectations and hopes. 

Our teacher said, "Great for Kegan! I am stoked that she knows who she is and is not afraid of her beautiful self." The one mom wrote to say that her daughter was so worried she would use the wrong name by mistake and to please tell Kegan she is so sorry if she does. Another mom said, "Kids are so much less rigid than adults, my son will be completely fine with this." Deep breath: check. Tears on cheeks: check. Sense of peace: check.

Today we arrived a few minutes late for class, when we arrived the teacher shouted Kegan's new name and followed it with, "Yay! You made it!" The lovely woman, who I will call, Hope, greeted Kegan and Sean with her usual enthusiasm. I sat next to her and she looked at me, she looked at Kegan participating in class, and she said, "Kegan seems much happier now as a girl, she seems lighter." 

I immediately felt such a sense of comfort and said, "Do you really think so? Because I do too! She is much kinder to Sean now and just seems happier to me too!" I didn't know if I was reading into something that wasn't there or looking for confirmation that we made the right choice to embrace Kegan on this journey. My husband has agreed with me that she seems happier and is kinder to Sean, but it seemed easy to believe we were both seeing what we wanted to see. But this woman, completely without any prompting said this and I feel it is so true.

Kegan IS happier. Did she know she was uncomfortable? Did she always feel not quite right? I never thought of Kegan as an unhappy boy, but Hope said it well when she said, "He was intense, she is lighter." 

So to anyone who says this is the wrong parenting move to let our child be who she says she is, who she knows she is, I say, "But she is happier now. And that is all that matters." 

.

#Acceptance

"Well, don't you look adorable." 

Those were the first words out of an acquaintance's mouth last week when she saw Kegan in a skirt and tee-shirt. We have very occasional play-dates with her and her son, so have not seen them since Kegan turned in her "boy clothes" for "girl clothes." 

This mom is on my list of people I still need to talk to/inform/check for acceptance, but I guess our small community circumvented another "coming out" email or talk. I could not have been more pleased with her reaction or her kindness to my Kegan. Of course, she hammed it up with a big thank you smile.

That was just about the extent of the conversation as we ran into her as she was heading into an appointment she was already late for, so we didn't even have time to say more than "It is so nice to see you." I expected acceptance from this mom, but her grace and quick response to Kegan were so much more than I ever expected.

Later, on this same day, we finally had a play date with some neighbors who I have been avoiding while I try to figure out how to re-introduce my child to them. We live in a middle class, seemingly conservative-ish neighborhood. Although, to be honest, I am basing that on very little information, just a few casual observations. Anyway, our house is one of the favorite places for the kids in this neighborhood to hang out. I don't know quite why (other than my kids are awesome! Humble, much?) and I have been quite worried about my kids losing friends because of a lack of acceptance.

So our little friend, who is slightly older than Kegan, did a double take when she saw Kegan decked out in a denim skirt and fitted tee-shirt, but then carried on as usual with her standard questions of "Can we play blah, blah, blah?" I had been having anxiety all week because we have been coming home when all the kids are usually out playing, so each day my nerves have been completely shot as I prepped for our first encounter. (I even, quite disturbingly, have been hoping for rain rather than these glorious spring days!)

Today, I intentionally threw my dinner plans out the window so we could stay out longer in hopes of getting this "living in hiding in open sight" drama done with once and for all. And it worked, yay! Our little friend and my kids played just like they always have. I was prepared for questions and answers, I have our Be Who You Are book at the front door, ready to be given to her parents, I have been building up my strength to go talk to her parents....and I had to do nothing. 

Her mom also responded with nothing, which I am taking as a total positive. I was going to explain that Kegan is now identifying as a girl and go through the whole crash course on gender identity I have been rehearsing, but then it suddenly seemed unnecessary at this point. I decided, "Let them just think Kegan is being gender non-conforming without any gender identity aspects." My line of thought is to let them just get used to seeing Kegan dress this way...to slowly build them up for this drastic change in the playmate down the street. I feel like with everyone else we have told we have had to go full throttle with details and a major shift in who Kegan is with no prep time. If our neighbors are comfortable with Kegan being gender fluid for now, then we can ease them into her being a girl as the spring days keep warming our faces. 

Everyone else we have told so far are people that my kids would miss, but would not overtly miss because we don't see our family much and I could readily make excuses (they are sick, we are sick, we are going to ___ instead of there, etc.) that would be accepted with minimal questions. I am not saying my kids would not miss their cousins and grandparents, they would, but we see them infrequently enough that their absence from our lives would be relatively easy to excuse. But the kids in the neighborhood, while not as important relationship wise, would be heavily missed and our daily life would be very negatively affected if our community of neighbors was suddenly unfriendly and didn't play with us. My stress went from 100 to 50 after this encounter. So much relief flooded through me due to their lack of commentary, which I am taking as a total positive and hope it is. We made casual plans for more playing while the kids are on the upcoming spring break...my kids have their friends still! 

I hate that our society is so intolerant of differences, that my expectation is almost always rejection, despite our very positive and often quite loving responses so far to Kegan's gender identity. I hate reading so many articles about the cruelties thrust upon those in the trans* community, I am terrified by the suicide rate of trans* teens, I am often overwhelmed at how much hardship my oldest will face, simply for being true to herself. I hope the acceptance we continue to receive for her is a predictor of a better world for her as she grows. 

Miss Kegan

Kegan and Sean received snail mail today! There is little more exciting in the day to day events of the world than getting mail addressed to yourself when you are a kid! Today's mail was extra special for Kegan though.

The envelope was addressed to Mr. Sean and Miss Kegan. I asked Kegan if she knew what that meant and she said, "No." I said, "It means that whoever sent this to you knows you are a girl." Kegan has this very special, very big smile that she only uses when she is exceptionally happy. I see it almost every time it is apparent that someone, anyone, is recognizing her female identity. 

When my husband came home I said, "Kegan got some special mail today." She then proceeded to tell, with her big smile, "I got an Easter card and on the outside it said to Miss Kegan. That means they knew I am a girl!!!" 

When people acknowledge and accept Kegan for Kegan right where she is, it is like handing us a magical, amazing, perfect gift handmade with love and hope. 

Girl Compliments

I always give my kids compliments on how nice they look. (I also praise their kindness, loving choices, intelligence, etc., but I think it is important to also teach them to accept and deliver compliments on people's appearances. Yikes that comes off as shallow, but it isn't, I promise. Sometimes a passing, "Great scarf!" as a )

Today, Sean was dressed very boyish. (Oh how entrenched I have become in labels now that we have moved slightly away from gender neutral parenting and more into the world of trying to look more girly for Kegan.) Sean was wearing a graphic tee-shirt, khaki's, and rain-boots. He looked, as always, super cute. 

Kegan had planned to wear a tank type dress, but then in an unusual act of heeding the weather, decided she wanted to wear long sleeves. She wore a glittery, ruffly, long sleeve shirt and white pants. Super cute and by some amazing miracle from just yesterday, her hair is now just barely long enough to give it a little side swept bang thing, i.e., her hair is now slightly less "growing out an obvious boy haircut" and a teeny bit more "growing out a bad haircut." I think between the outfit being very feminine and her hair looking more girly, this might have been the first time I could really see the physical girl in Kegan as opposed to the emotional, intellectual one who I have known for a year or so. 

As we were getting ready to walk out the door, I said, "Kegan, you look really nice." Then my sweet, sensitive Sean said, "You look pretty Kegan." Kegan got this big, beautiful smile on her face and said, "Thank you!" I think she really wants Sean to see her as a girl, maybe even more than she wants others to see her as a girl right now. She and Sean have been "the boys," "the brothers," for so long and this division of gender is definitely tough on Sean, but I think it is a little tough on Kegan too. She is gaining her true identity, but also losing the only identity she has ever known. 

I don't know where Sean learned that girls are told they look pretty, versus nice or handsome or good. All those lovely compliments do work for both genders of course, but when was the last time a boy was called pretty without a quick correction or self-admonishment? I still do try to be gender neutral in praise, education, and toy selection, but Sean nailed it today. In doing so, he gave his sister a big dose of love.

Tonight, Sean said, "Kegan, I love you Kegan." Kegan responded, "I love you too, Sean." There are other factors in play, but I think their love is growing during this transition as they learn to know each other in a new way. Even though Kegan really is still Kegan, she is happier and more loving in some ways. Maybe she has a peace inside her now that was missing. 

She Passed

My kid passed tonight. From what I understand this is one of the biggest challenges faced by transgender people. And tonight, at five years old, in a pink twirly shirt and brown leggings with striped ruffles at the ankles he/she passed.

We had met an African American man in the kids section of a department store who told my youngest his new rain boots were "fly" earlier. This gentleman, in his forties, and the father of five (two grown, three at home) raved about the red rubber boots, giving my baby some of the attention usually lavished on my oldest.

Later when my husband had taken my oldest to the bathroom, the little one and I were wandering around. We heard someone coming and as we turned to greet our returning family members, I saw it was not them, but the same friendly man from the kids department. He saw us and realized who we were waiting for, he said, "They're coming! Daddy and your sister are coming!" He high fived my fly little one while I stood there in awe and excitement that this milestone had occurred.

I suppose this isn't the first time, people see what they expect to see. Someone sees a cute kid in pink clothes and black Mary Janes and generally assumes it is a girl. Despite the messy, awkward growing out haircut. This is the first time though, that it has been verbalized.

The irony, (Is it irony? Alannis has forever confused me!) is as they headed into the bathroom, I overheard Kegan say, "We will go in the men's room, because we are both men." What I didn't hear because it was said as the door closed behind them was Kegan saying, "But....I am probably a girl."