Officially Our "Normal"

Today I learned that I have officially moved into the "normal" of having a daughter. Kegan had a doctor appointment with a specialist we check in with every year or so. While we were waiting to meet with the doctor, her fellow came in. I have not met this fellow before, but I knew she had read the chart because they are super thorough. I had not made an announcement about Kegan's transition but they knew to call her by the correct name (and did) based on the "alias" created by the universal e-record system several of the local providers share. (And maybe my polite reminder to the friendly, non-fazed receptionist.)

So the fellow came in and greeted Kegan by her correct name, we all exchanged the "Hello's" and "How are you's?" common in our world. The fellow then sat down and asked, "So, how are things? Any changes? What's new?"

I literally looked at her, paused, thought, and then replied, "Ummm, no, nothing really, no changes."

She looked at me a little perplexedly with a slight tile of her head, to which I looked back at her, and then after a few seconds, said, "Ooooooh! [insert awkward, "I am a clueless mom" chuckle] Yes, Kegan has transitioned."

Is it totally awesome that I completely forgot that this is kind of huge news? I am thinking that yes, it is totally awesome. I knew we had completed the "transition phase," but this just takes things to a whole new and better level.

The Best of Times (so far)

I am so thankful that Kegan is being raised right now, in this time, in this world. Not the world where rape is an epidemic on college campuses. Not the world where airplanes are shot out of the sky with missiles. Not the world where Gaza is being blown to pieces. Not the world where 4 people died in Chicago this weekend alone, by gunshot wounds. Not the world where citizens on our border hurl hateful insults at children trying to escape a life of unbearable hardship. Not the world where we fly drones and shoot people with very little consequence.

No, not the world. But this world:

The world where being transgender does not mean an automatic ex-communication from your Church, your family, your friends. The world where more and more parents are supporting their children who are trans*. The world where kids like Jazz and Ryland exist so boldly, leading the way for kids like Kegan. The world where the President of the United States stands up for the LGTBQ population.  The world where people may call it a lifestyle choice (which I abhor!), but still offer my daughter hand me down dresses.  The world where tolerance is becoming more common, where acceptance is becoming the goal. The world where it is as good as it has ever been, but not as good as it will be for the transgender community.

The world where moms like Debi Jackson educate hundreds of thousands (and soon millions, thanks to the power of videos going viral!) on what it means to be transgender and what it does not mean in six minutes or less. I just stood at my kitchen counter, with my hand covering my mouth to silence my deep crying as I watched this amazing woman tell my story, tell Kegan's story.

Sometimes I see or read something about trans* kids and it is so open, so raw, and such pure truth. Debi Jackson is a hero for all moms and all kids. I wish she was my BFF or at least the mom next door!

Bob (The Hairstyle, Not the Guy)

Kegan has now had her second "shaping" haircut since deciding to grow her hair long "like a girl". We are surprisingly close to a real bob already. Our hairstylist thinks she will be able to cut it all to the same length for a "just below her earlobe" bob by the end of the year. This is not earth shattering, but it is pretty happy news.

The problem with me having a girl is I am by no means a girly girl and I really am clueless when it comes to styling hair, applying make up properly, and tweezing eyebrows. Fortunately the make up and eyebrow issues have several years before they matter. Her hair is thick and lovely, but it is also sort of awkward....her bangs are too long to wear down, but not quite long enough that they stay in a barrette well. We are currently using headbands most days, which to my surprise look super cute. I still have to deal with hair poking upright, random pieces falling forward, and stray strands bopping about...but we are getting there,

Everyday when I fix her hair she goes to look in the mirror when I announce, "Okay, you are done." (Have I mentioned if I spend more than two minutes she gets antsy? Oh my poor dear...how ignorant of your teenage future years you are!) Everyday she says, with a smile in her voice, "Thank you. I like it!" And she is genuinely happy. Even on the days when it is only so-so or just okay, she loves it. And she loves that I "fix" it for her. Whether I just wet it down and put a barrette in, use the flat iron to straighten or curl it, spend five tries getting the headband to gather and hold all her hair...she acts as if I have accomplished a feat of beauty.

But the best part is, she doesn't really get "being beautiful," she has not been informed that her role as a female is to look spot on perfect everyday and I absolutely love that and revel in it. She is just happy that she has a barrette and a "girl" hairstyle. And her idea of what makes a girl a girl is still simple and innocent. I have no plans to inform her otherwise.

Not SO Hard

Having a transgender child is not easy, but more importantly it is not “incredibly difficult,” “SO hard”, “very challenging,” or “unimaginable.” I am tired of people attempting to sympathize with me by telling me, “I can’t even imagine how very difficult this must be for you.” I am declaring right now, right here, this is not hard. I don’t mean to imply it is easy, because there are days it is not easy and I imagine in future days it will be not easy. (Oh, yes? Is that you puberty? We were expecting your call.)

Here is what can be classified as SO hard:

-your husband dying suddenly when your youngest child is 12 months old

-being diagnosed with terminal cancer at 8 months pregnant

-being told your infant is facing a life or death crisis

-taking care of your paralyzed father while raising a child

-spending night after night in the hospital caring for a loved one: young or old

-losing your job without having a big savings account

-being told it is time to consider hospice care for your child who was healthy until two days ago

Those are some example of what is really hard in life. I have either personally faced those things or have had friends or family deal with those situations.

Having a child tell you, “I am a girl,” when for the first five years of that child’s life you thought she was a boy is certainly not easy, but let’s be realistic it is not hard.

Along the same lines, having a transgender child is not a big problem. It is not a crisis of epic proportions. Yes, there are times it feels like an acute crisis, the transition period can be dicey at best, but life gets back to normal. Life goes on more or less as before. You still have a child, you still have a child who loves x, y, and z and still won’t eat Brussel sprouts. (Ha, ha, my kid actually will eat Brussels sprouts. Aren’t I lucky?)

Here are some things that are actual problems:

-the United States is currently flying armed drones over Iraq. That is a problem.

-a 17 year old girl and her 30 year old husband were beheaded last week by their families because they married for love versus by family dictate. That is a problem.

-40 children die every year because they are left in their carseats on hot days. That is a problem.

-Students and teachers are not safe in their classrooms and school hallways because we have not infrequent school shootings. That is a problem.

-There are children in this world who will starve to death this week. That is a problem.

-There are children in all of our neighborhood’s or at least our cities who will go to bed hungry tonight because their last meal was at school at lunchtime. That is a problem.

Those are problems. My daughter having a penis is an anatomical difference. it is not a problem. Trust me, I am living this life. In the grand scheme of actual real problems, a penis on a girl is pretty low level on the ranking of problems.

The only thing that makes having a transgender child hard or a problem is that society tells us it is hard and it is a problem. The only thing that makes it hard is when a “friend” tells you she will still love your child while referring to her by the pronouns “he” and “him” and her former (male) name. (See, again, that is society!) The only thing that makes it a problem is when your family is uninvited to an event because it is “too embarrassing” to explain who your child is. (Embarrassing to explain to who? Yep, you guessed it: society!) The only thing that makes it hard is when people can’t accept that not everyone is cut from the same fabric as themselves.

I have always been amazed by our ability to make problems out of nothing, to make a small difference or a mild atypical situation into a FEMA grade disaster. If parents, and society in general, would accept one simple fact: All people should be able to be who they are and each individual should be allowed to determine who he/she is,” then we could actually deal with the real problems in the world and my amazing trans* kid would not be at risk for rejection or suicide or made to feel there is something wrong with her. And people could stop telling me how hard our life must be.

It's A Girl...With a Brand New Name

Kegan officially has a "girl name" now. Over the weekend she asked us, "Is my name a girl name?" I answered, "No, it is a boy name." I then explained that some names are only girl names like Mary, Sally, and Maria. Some names are only boy names like her name, Jeff, and Michael. But some names could be a boy name or a girl name like Jamie, Kelly, or Carey. 

We asked her if she wanted a girl name and she said she did. We explained that the three of us would have to agree on whatever name was chosen. I felt pressure to pick a name sooner rather than slowly because she is desperate to be seen as a girl and her name is (was) the only thing really preventing that. 

In the past, I had close to nine months to pick the perfect name. Picking a name in just a few days time, that not only two, but three people loved was not quite the leisurely path I have strolled down before. 

When a name was suggested (by me, yay me!) that Kegan, her dad, and I all loved we decided to select it. I was hesitant to pick a name without at least a few weeks to mull it over, test it out, make sure it was "the one." But my husband was brave and said, "Let's do it, she likes it and so do we."

So the next morning, the day after I had "tried it out" on her a few times, we told her she could be called by the special new name if she would like. She smiled and said, "Yes." And that was the big milestone moment...much like everything on this journey, very casual, very simple, and very anti-climatic. 

With a few days of her new name under my belt, I am confident in saying, "It is the perfect name." It is not the name I had chosen if she had been identified as a girl in the hospital and I am quite sure it is a name that was never on my radar as a possible name choice for either of my kids. I don't even think I ever named a doll this name. But it is perfect, beautiful and strong, has a special meaning that fits perfectly with this transition and the values we strive to teach Kegan and Sean. It flows perfectly off my lips when I look at her and say her name, it blends beautifully with Sean's name, and is a perfect match with our last name, I am unbelievably happy with this name choice.  

Even more important is Kegan's happiness with it. She seems to truly love her name. Whether she really thinks this is the most beautiful girl name ever or is simply happy to have a name that makes people only expect a girl, I can't say.  But frequently she says, "Thank you for saying my name automatically." She has thanked Sean when he remembers to use her new name or when he quickly corrects himself. She even called all her grandparents to tell them and when they immediately praised the name choice, her smile said it all. 

So here's to what I kind of consider the final step in this first chapter. This chapter feels like it should be a cliffhanger because I constantly do not know what is happening next, but instead it feels peaceful.

#Acceptance

"Well, don't you look adorable." 

Those were the first words out of an acquaintance's mouth last week when she saw Kegan in a skirt and tee-shirt. We have very occasional play-dates with her and her son, so have not seen them since Kegan turned in her "boy clothes" for "girl clothes." 

This mom is on my list of people I still need to talk to/inform/check for acceptance, but I guess our small community circumvented another "coming out" email or talk. I could not have been more pleased with her reaction or her kindness to my Kegan. Of course, she hammed it up with a big thank you smile.

That was just about the extent of the conversation as we ran into her as she was heading into an appointment she was already late for, so we didn't even have time to say more than "It is so nice to see you." I expected acceptance from this mom, but her grace and quick response to Kegan were so much more than I ever expected.

Later, on this same day, we finally had a play date with some neighbors who I have been avoiding while I try to figure out how to re-introduce my child to them. We live in a middle class, seemingly conservative-ish neighborhood. Although, to be honest, I am basing that on very little information, just a few casual observations. Anyway, our house is one of the favorite places for the kids in this neighborhood to hang out. I don't know quite why (other than my kids are awesome! Humble, much?) and I have been quite worried about my kids losing friends because of a lack of acceptance.

So our little friend, who is slightly older than Kegan, did a double take when she saw Kegan decked out in a denim skirt and fitted tee-shirt, but then carried on as usual with her standard questions of "Can we play blah, blah, blah?" I had been having anxiety all week because we have been coming home when all the kids are usually out playing, so each day my nerves have been completely shot as I prepped for our first encounter. (I even, quite disturbingly, have been hoping for rain rather than these glorious spring days!)

Today, I intentionally threw my dinner plans out the window so we could stay out longer in hopes of getting this "living in hiding in open sight" drama done with once and for all. And it worked, yay! Our little friend and my kids played just like they always have. I was prepared for questions and answers, I have our Be Who You Are book at the front door, ready to be given to her parents, I have been building up my strength to go talk to her parents....and I had to do nothing. 

Her mom also responded with nothing, which I am taking as a total positive. I was going to explain that Kegan is now identifying as a girl and go through the whole crash course on gender identity I have been rehearsing, but then it suddenly seemed unnecessary at this point. I decided, "Let them just think Kegan is being gender non-conforming without any gender identity aspects." My line of thought is to let them just get used to seeing Kegan dress this way...to slowly build them up for this drastic change in the playmate down the street. I feel like with everyone else we have told we have had to go full throttle with details and a major shift in who Kegan is with no prep time. If our neighbors are comfortable with Kegan being gender fluid for now, then we can ease them into her being a girl as the spring days keep warming our faces. 

Everyone else we have told so far are people that my kids would miss, but would not overtly miss because we don't see our family much and I could readily make excuses (they are sick, we are sick, we are going to ___ instead of there, etc.) that would be accepted with minimal questions. I am not saying my kids would not miss their cousins and grandparents, they would, but we see them infrequently enough that their absence from our lives would be relatively easy to excuse. But the kids in the neighborhood, while not as important relationship wise, would be heavily missed and our daily life would be very negatively affected if our community of neighbors was suddenly unfriendly and didn't play with us. My stress went from 100 to 50 after this encounter. So much relief flooded through me due to their lack of commentary, which I am taking as a total positive and hope it is. We made casual plans for more playing while the kids are on the upcoming spring break...my kids have their friends still! 

I hate that our society is so intolerant of differences, that my expectation is almost always rejection, despite our very positive and often quite loving responses so far to Kegan's gender identity. I hate reading so many articles about the cruelties thrust upon those in the trans* community, I am terrified by the suicide rate of trans* teens, I am often overwhelmed at how much hardship my oldest will face, simply for being true to herself. I hope the acceptance we continue to receive for her is a predictor of a better world for her as she grows. 

Boy Shoes

I overheard the following conversation this morning as the kids were getting ready to go outside:

Sean: I have boy shoes.
Kegan: Yeah, and I have girl shoes.

I stopped in my tracks and suddenly felt slightly nauseous that my kids just labelled shoes as only for boys or only for girls! Shoes! We have spent the past five plus years being gender neutral and now within the last four months we have become a very gender aware family.

I never took my kids to the "boys department" to shop, I took them shopping. Yes, we navigated to the boys section and generally bought "boys" clothes, but I never told them which section we were in. I bought legos, dolls, strollers, groceries, trains, trucks, and craft supplies with equal enthusiasm and very little disparity.  I bought Kegan a pair of pink sparkly shoes when she was two because those were the shoes she picked. I also bought her green camo (which I despise) shoes when she was three because those were the shoes she picked. I have never said "girls should...", "girls can"t...," "only girls...". I have also never said, "boys must..," "boys will be boys," or "only boys..." I have talked about people or "boys and girls," I don't tell my kids they are "good boys." (Or obviously "bad boys."

And suddenly the shoes in our house have gender labels. This is tough. I believe it is necessary to Kegan's transition that she become aware of the gender expressions that show the world "I am a girl," or "I am a boy." Her whole life, everyone has assumed she was a boy, not suddenly she has to make the world see her as how she sees herself. I can't come up with any other ways to do that than:

1. Make a sandwich board for her to wear that says, "I am a girl. Please use female pronouns."
2. Dress the part the way society sees girls.

In order for her to do that she is figuring out what makes society see a child as a girl versus a boy. She has figured out if she wears a dress, people tend to see a girl. If she grows her hair long, people see a girl, If she wears certain shoes, people see a girl. She is right...how else do you distinguish between two kids of opposite genders in size 6?

We have dresses covered, we are getting there with leggings, more fitted shirts, the Mary Janes. But her hair is still too boyish. I have actually talked to my husband about splurging for extensions. For my five year old! I know what it is to have a bad haircut, one far too short. I remember with far too much clarity getting ten inches of hair cut off with one snip of the scissors when I was ten. I burst into tears. I was devastated...I had no idea how drastic it was going from long to so short. I had no idea the patience required to go from all those layers to long again. I think if Kegan had long hair, NOW!, she would easily be assumed to be a girl 99% of the time. But extensions? Really? Outrageous and yet...I am still trying to figure out how to justify the cost. No, actually I am not, I am okay with the cost, I am trying to figure out if it would be okay to do that to a five year old.

Pierced ears are my next thought...short hair gains a a total girl attitude when paired with cubic zirconia or pink sparkly studs. I am pretty okay, not perfect, but comfortable enough, with my five year old getting pierced ears. But not if it is my idea. I want a bosy change like that to come from her. But my kids don't know enough about how girls are defined to even know to ask for pierced ears for Kegan. She knows what earrings are, she sees people wear them ,and has even often admired them...but to think to ask for them, I just don't think she is there yet.

Nail polish was suggested to me. That is a pretty girly decoration, despite the male polish that some men wear. But if Sean wanted to wear it too, I could not allow myself to say "No." I cannot tell him it is only for girls. Sean likes his short hair, so I don't worry about him asking for extensions. I don't think he would ask for pierced ears, especially after watching Kegan scream from the pain...and honestly, I do have a problem with my two or three or even four year old having pierced ears, so that is easy. But nail polish? I specifically bought Piggy Paint in matching colors to my nail polish a few times, so I could let the kids wear nail polish if they asked, Which they never did. 

I sometimes wonder how much of this stuff is my issue versus Kegan's. Kegan is happy. In fact, I sometimes feel she is much happier as a girl than she was as a boy. The changes are subtle, I don't think of her as a pouty or melancholy boy, but she is different. She is kinder to Sean, almost as if a level of self-imposed competition has been removed. I think her being a girl, being who she is, is all she needs right now. The dresses and leggings make her a girl to the world in her eyes, and for the most part they do. Maybe it is my impatience, maybe I am the one who needs this all now. I don't like the occasional stares of "Is that a boy or a girl?" that I see directed at her...very occasionally. I am sure she doesn't even see them, but I do. I just want her to look the part she now stars in.  And yet, at the same time, I don't want either her or Sean to recognize exactly what makes the role of female versus male look legit to our society. 

Miss Kegan

Kegan and Sean received snail mail today! There is little more exciting in the day to day events of the world than getting mail addressed to yourself when you are a kid! Today's mail was extra special for Kegan though.

The envelope was addressed to Mr. Sean and Miss Kegan. I asked Kegan if she knew what that meant and she said, "No." I said, "It means that whoever sent this to you knows you are a girl." Kegan has this very special, very big smile that she only uses when she is exceptionally happy. I see it almost every time it is apparent that someone, anyone, is recognizing her female identity. 

When my husband came home I said, "Kegan got some special mail today." She then proceeded to tell, with her big smile, "I got an Easter card and on the outside it said to Miss Kegan. That means they knew I am a girl!!!" 

When people acknowledge and accept Kegan for Kegan right where she is, it is like handing us a magical, amazing, perfect gift handmade with love and hope. 

The Girl with the Princess Sticker

Important Disclaimer! It is really hard for me to label clothes as belonging to one gender over the other. I have not done that until Kegan identified as transgender and she needed a way to show her femaleness. I honestly hate the constant clarification of which gender the clothes are or if they "belong" to girls or boys. Somehow, even though we have always tried to treat clothes, shoes, toys, stickers, and hair as belonging to all humans, when you have a girl in a boy's body it seems the only way to clarify her identity to observers is to let her pick all the "girly-girl" options very intentionally.

I love her feet!

Kegan wears a dress or typical girl clothes about 75% of the time now. I never know what reaction we will receive, fortunately we have only received acceptance or tolerance. So far. At least in person, we have family that do not approve, but we obviously don't see them anymore.

Earlier this week I had an appointment at my PCP, Kegan wore a very feminine outfit she selected and Sean ended up in classic boy attire that he selected as well. As we were leaving the office, Kegan asked, "Do they have stickers here?" One of the nurses overheard her and said, "I have stickers right here, hang on, I will bring them to you." My kids are used to peds offices where they get to select their own stickers, so when the nurse handed them each a sticker, I wasn't sure what to expect. 

Kegan smiled largely and said, "Thank you!" I asked, "What did you get?" With a grin, she said, "Princess."  I don't know if this nurse, who I have not seen before, assumed Kegan was a girl or could tell Kegan had a boy body and was comfortable with a gender creative or trans* kid. At this point, and maybe always, it doesn't matter.

Sadly, for Sean the same rule applied and he responded, "But I don't like Piderman!" We had a hushed and quick conversation about appreciating what someone gives you as we left and I asked him what he would have preferred. Sweet Sean answered, "A  kitty-cat."  I was honestly surprised that Sean wasn't sad he didn't receive a Princess as well. Sean, like most little brothers, looks up to Kegan as if Kegan not only hung the moon, but also proposed it, designed it, constructed it, and then after all that also hung it. So while my, to this point, male gender child was disappointed with his "boy sticker," my MTF transgender child was thrilled to be placed in the box with other girls, (As was I.)

On Friday, I took Kegan into our pediatrician's office for a sick call visit because I thought she had pink eye. We are fortunate to go to a practice that allows us to see the same pediatrician for each visit, unless it is a sick-call appointment and our regular doctor is unavailable. It happens, that this month our ped is off on Fridays, so we saw a female doctor we have only met one other time. Because I have spoken with our pediatrician and have been assured that the entire office staff will be welcoming to Kegan, I expected at a minimum, tolerance and no sideways glances. 

The doctor complimented Kegan on her dress, made small talk about the design (earning a few big smiles from K) and used the pronouns she/her very comfortably and naturally. It was awesome! As the kids were selecting stickers, I was able to speak with the doctor privately. I said, "Thank you for being so accepting of Kegan." She said, "Of course! Why wouldn't I be?" I replied, "I don't know why you wouldn't be, but some people just aren't. So thank you, very much." 

I keep waiting for the bullying or the nasty to come out and I don't know if we are just in a honeymoon phase or this transition will be mostly smooth-sailing in the public eye, but I am immensely thankful for the kindness of people who welcome Kegan as a girl in this world. 

Follow Up to "Acceptance"

I just realized my family isn't defined by society's normal anymore. We belong to a new community, the community of families who don't fit neatly into some 1950's stereotype. I knew our family was different, but I have mostly thought of Kegan as the one who is defying social constructs. I thought of the rest of us as just members of her family. The people who champion her, support her, love her, stand up for her and beside her, but mostly her supporting cast versus her fellow leads.

On some level, I am sure I knew our family didn't get to check the box for "same ethnicity/race/creed, heterosexual, two kids, cisgender family" anymore, but even though this transition is a transition for our whole family, it ultimately is Kegan who has to face the biggest challenges and so I hadn't really considered our family challenges.

After I posted my proud little "we are such an accepting family" post I watched some of the Honey Maid videos on the families in their "This is Wholesome" commercial. I then watched their follow up video they made in response to the negative feedback they received for such a beautiful, truthful, perfect commercial.

As I watched the "Love" video tears streamed down my cheeks. I saw words like, "Horrible. NOT wholesome." and "DO NOT APPROVE!" and "Disgusting!!" Those comments are not only about the beautiful families in this commercial, but about my family, about my kids, and I don't ever want them to know how hateful people may be to them because of who Kegan is. Kegan is perfect, she is a perfect little girl whose heart is alive and joyful. Sean is a sweet, sweet little boy who loves his sister, who will do anything to make her laugh, who will not stop breaking a rule if "But Kegan is laughing Mommy!" We are normal, we are a family, we are love.

My heart doesn't ache for the loss of our "normal" label. In fact, it doesn't ache for that at all. It aches for the rejection our kids could face because we don't get to wear that label on our shirts anymore. It aches for the rejection my child will face because she was born in a boy body, but has the brain and heart of a girl.

My tears turned from sorrow to peace as the response continued and Honey Maid said they had received ten times as much positive feedback! I saw words like, "family is family" and "makes my heart happy," and "folks like my family," and "We applaud Honey Maid." Honey Maid said the truth, "That only one thing really matters when it comes to family: Love." They nailed it.

Honey Maid while trying to sell some crackers has validated my family and so many other families. They have validated my child as a person worthy of love, a human being deserving of kindness, a member of our beautiful family equal in her worth to every other little girl who graces this earth.

Our family has left the majority of families who do fit neatly into the "normal" box and we have joined a new community. A diverse, beautiful, strong community of people who fit into our own boxes. Our boxes may not have four ninety degree angles, but they are overflowing with love. And that is really the only thing that makes a family.

"And Then I Shifted Up to Girl."

Kegan told me today, "I am a girl." Kegan wants to be referred to as "she and her" only, versus a mix of both gender pronouns as she was preferring. She wants us to call her Sean's "big sister" only, not "big sibling." She is however, still our son, not our daughter. Transition....like a butterfly....takes time and steps.

I decided I needed to tell Sean that we are all going to use Kegan's preferred pronouns of she/her exclusively now. (We have been using a mix of she/he/him/her by Kegan's request.) I asked Sean, "So can you do that with us?" He said, "No." Not because Sean is anti-transgender, just because Sean is two. I said, "I know this is a big change, for a long time we have only called Kegan him and he." Kegan interrupted and said, "For like ninety years or nine years?" I said, "Well since you were born, so five and a half years." Kegan said, "Well actually five years, because then I said "I was a boy-girl" and you would call me "he/she" and "him/her," but then I shifted up to girl. So for five years you said he and him." And that is that.

This is actually a relief in terms of society if Kegan is identifying as only a girl. Society isn't that fond of differences, but at least a specific switch from one gender to another seems more "reasonable," than a constant fluidity to this world. I don't know how people who are bigender, agender, etc. survive in our "fit in boxes neatly" world. Knowing Kegan may be bigender has been much harder than knowing Kegan may be male to female transgender for me. Not because I care one way or the other, but because I want Kegan to have the easier road. Being honest, I want Kegan to have the easiest road, Sean too, of course. I know that is not a fair hope, but it is my mama hope for my children. Kegan will not have an easy road, but being one gender consistently does seem at least simpler and more likely to have greater acceptance by society. (Even if that is a different gender than the one a person was given at birth.)

I asked Kegan, "Do you think you will shift to boy-girl again?" She answered, "No." I asked, "Are you a girl inside?" She said, "Yes." (On a side note, I am so thankful Kegan is so articulate, her choice of words is often so clear, this new phrase, which may never be spoken again by her, seems quite clear; a shift in the transition or the next level. Yep...just like a caterpillar has several steps before emerging from the chrysalis.

So....if today was my twenty week ultrasound, I would proclaim, "It's a girl!" I am a boy (Sean) and a girl (Kegan) Mom now. And I feel at peace. As long as I am thinking about our own little private world with the people who love Kegan for Kegan. When I let my mind travel outside our safe zone, outside our gates...the worry is still there. Today though, it is rainy and gloomy, but my Kegan is bright with light and self-knowledge and that brings peace.

A Rose By Any Other Name

Why Kegan and Sean? As my profile shows, my kids names in real life are different than on this blog. I am constantly conflicted as to how public to be with raising a transgender child and how to protect said child's identity and safety.

I hope to be as honest and raw as possible on this blog. But this is not only my story. This is my husband's story, my transgender child's story (especially!), and our youngest son's story. Is it even fair for me to be here? Do I have a right, parental or otherwise, to be so open? But do I have an obligation to all the other members of Kegan's LGBTQ community to be bold enough to tell our story so it gets normalized?

I am so hopeful and have such a strong belief that if this community and its allies are honest, loving, and strive to educate the world, we will see more acceptance in Kegan's lifetime. I have to hope for that, because otherwise my heart is crushed when I read crime stats against transgender people. My heart hurts when I read stories about victims being blamed for the actions of their bullies. My being aches with fear and sorrow when I read what a tough road my child is on.

If I tell Kegan's story maybe it will help another family to know they are not alone. Maybe it will help a bigot to see underneath all this focus on gender we are just a regular, boring family with two kids who like to run, jump, sing songs, and be silly.  Maybe it will shine a light in the dark corners of a heart and let a child be allowed to come home to his/her parents. And if all that fails, Kegan will at least know I tried my best to make the world safer and more loving for him/her. Kegan will have a journal to show I did everything with love, even my failures were meant to be loving.

Back to the original question. Why Kegan? Kegan is a gender-neutral Irish name that means bright shining flame. This child has been light to us since the day she/he was born. Kegan is now lighting the way to be true to himself/herself. Kegan is lighting the way for other transgender kids to be true to their own identities as well. Kegan is a beacon of light and hope in our society.

Why Sean? Sean is also Irish, typically used for males and means God is gracious.  Sean is our planned-for bonus from God. We didn't know if we would be able to have another baby and Sean was given to us purely by the grace of God. So this seemed a fitting code name.

Their names don't really matter, the names are just placeholders so the story can be read. What matters is the story and I hope as we live our story it is true to Kegan's being.