"I am a Girl, Not I am a Girl, but...

We had our playdate today. It went without a hitch. Kegan totally passes, so that is truly never a concern. Watching her with two other little girls was peaceful. Not in a zen-yoga-lady kind of way, just it was good to see her in her element. The date was outdoors and casual, but organized enough to keep things moving along. It was good.

As we were driving home, it occurred to me, if I truly accept and truly believe in my heart and mind that she is a girl, that her birth certificate is errored, that we have simply misidentified her all these years, then no one needs to be told. It is not as if I would ever identify to anyone what Sean has going on between his legs. The thought would never be necessary, it would never cross my mind. I realized, this is in fact, much simpler than I have been making it, "She is a girl. Not she is a girl, but..."

I spoke with our therapist last night and she told me that telling after the second date is likely premature. She suggested it is not necessary to tell ever or maybe after 10-15 play dates it would make sense. Unless there is a sleepover or a swimming play date, there is no reason to share that information yet. And even when it is a sleepover or swimming date the information is shared as a safety precaution for Kegan, not to quantify her right to the label "girl."  (More on safety later.)

She explained that sometimes when you are in the "Telling Phase," the brain gets locked into telling people and it becomes difficult to discriminate between who to tell and who not to tell. That resonated with me because we have been having to tell everyone. This is the first family that only knows Kegan as Kegan, not as "Kegan, formerly known as a boy."

Our therapist said that sometimes when people find out, even if they are accepting, they still treat the child differently. Kegan deserves to have a childhood as a girl without these layers of transgender issues. Kegan is a girl, not she is a girl, but. We need to let her just be that girl. People see her as a girl, she knows herself to be a girl, she should get the same childhood that any girl gets. Her femininity or girlness should not be constantly evaluated or labelled or characterized with ifs and buts.

We are not keeping her identity as transgender a secret, but it is private. That was a hard sentence for me to understand because sometimes when we are stealth, I feel like by not telling, we are making it something to be ashamed of. But a secret is something you carry by yourself, private is something some people know about, but not the whole world. There is a distinct difference and private is appropriate for many things. Private is not shameful, it is just private and personal.

As far as safety, we have to balance her right to privacy with her absolute, non-negotiable need for safety. If she is at a sleepover and her penis is observed it could lead to an unsafe situation. The therapist said we don't need to scare her and suggested using the words, "It can confuse people. Most boys have penises and most girls have vaginas, some girls though, like you, have a penis. But since most girls don't have penises, it can confuse people when they first find out a girl has a penis. It is something unexpected and so it can be confusing." That makes sense to me. It makes being transgender a slice on the spectrum of gender. Certainly if people might be confused we want to be preemptive before they discover inadvertently. Certainly being confused is acceptable for many areas of life. Certainly being confused is not the same as unaccepting.

Our awesome therapist assured me, we are not tricking people, we are not lying. We are just letting our daughter be the girl she is freely. We are letting Kegan free to be the girl she is. She doesn't need a clause defining her girlness, she is a girl as much as I am.

I knew that before, but now I truly "get it." She was equal to her peers today in their claim to being a girl. She is a girl, not she is a girl but!

Bob (The Hairstyle, Not the Guy)

Kegan has now had her second "shaping" haircut since deciding to grow her hair long "like a girl". We are surprisingly close to a real bob already. Our hairstylist thinks she will be able to cut it all to the same length for a "just below her earlobe" bob by the end of the year. This is not earth shattering, but it is pretty happy news.

The problem with me having a girl is I am by no means a girly girl and I really am clueless when it comes to styling hair, applying make up properly, and tweezing eyebrows. Fortunately the make up and eyebrow issues have several years before they matter. Her hair is thick and lovely, but it is also sort of awkward....her bangs are too long to wear down, but not quite long enough that they stay in a barrette well. We are currently using headbands most days, which to my surprise look super cute. I still have to deal with hair poking upright, random pieces falling forward, and stray strands bopping about...but we are getting there,

Everyday when I fix her hair she goes to look in the mirror when I announce, "Okay, you are done." (Have I mentioned if I spend more than two minutes she gets antsy? Oh my poor dear...how ignorant of your teenage future years you are!) Everyday she says, with a smile in her voice, "Thank you. I like it!" And she is genuinely happy. Even on the days when it is only so-so or just okay, she loves it. And she loves that I "fix" it for her. Whether I just wet it down and put a barrette in, use the flat iron to straighten or curl it, spend five tries getting the headband to gather and hold all her hair...she acts as if I have accomplished a feat of beauty.

But the best part is, she doesn't really get "being beautiful," she has not been informed that her role as a female is to look spot on perfect everyday and I absolutely love that and revel in it. She is just happy that she has a barrette and a "girl" hairstyle. And her idea of what makes a girl a girl is still simple and innocent. I have no plans to inform her otherwise.

It's A Girl...With a Brand New Name

Kegan officially has a "girl name" now. Over the weekend she asked us, "Is my name a girl name?" I answered, "No, it is a boy name." I then explained that some names are only girl names like Mary, Sally, and Maria. Some names are only boy names like her name, Jeff, and Michael. But some names could be a boy name or a girl name like Jamie, Kelly, or Carey. 

We asked her if she wanted a girl name and she said she did. We explained that the three of us would have to agree on whatever name was chosen. I felt pressure to pick a name sooner rather than slowly because she is desperate to be seen as a girl and her name is (was) the only thing really preventing that. 

In the past, I had close to nine months to pick the perfect name. Picking a name in just a few days time, that not only two, but three people loved was not quite the leisurely path I have strolled down before. 

When a name was suggested (by me, yay me!) that Kegan, her dad, and I all loved we decided to select it. I was hesitant to pick a name without at least a few weeks to mull it over, test it out, make sure it was "the one." But my husband was brave and said, "Let's do it, she likes it and so do we."

So the next morning, the day after I had "tried it out" on her a few times, we told her she could be called by the special new name if she would like. She smiled and said, "Yes." And that was the big milestone moment...much like everything on this journey, very casual, very simple, and very anti-climatic. 

With a few days of her new name under my belt, I am confident in saying, "It is the perfect name." It is not the name I had chosen if she had been identified as a girl in the hospital and I am quite sure it is a name that was never on my radar as a possible name choice for either of my kids. I don't even think I ever named a doll this name. But it is perfect, beautiful and strong, has a special meaning that fits perfectly with this transition and the values we strive to teach Kegan and Sean. It flows perfectly off my lips when I look at her and say her name, it blends beautifully with Sean's name, and is a perfect match with our last name, I am unbelievably happy with this name choice.  

Even more important is Kegan's happiness with it. She seems to truly love her name. Whether she really thinks this is the most beautiful girl name ever or is simply happy to have a name that makes people only expect a girl, I can't say.  But frequently she says, "Thank you for saying my name automatically." She has thanked Sean when he remembers to use her new name or when he quickly corrects himself. She even called all her grandparents to tell them and when they immediately praised the name choice, her smile said it all. 

So here's to what I kind of consider the final step in this first chapter. This chapter feels like it should be a cliffhanger because I constantly do not know what is happening next, but instead it feels peaceful.

Boy Shoes

I overheard the following conversation this morning as the kids were getting ready to go outside:

Sean: I have boy shoes.
Kegan: Yeah, and I have girl shoes.

I stopped in my tracks and suddenly felt slightly nauseous that my kids just labelled shoes as only for boys or only for girls! Shoes! We have spent the past five plus years being gender neutral and now within the last four months we have become a very gender aware family.

I never took my kids to the "boys department" to shop, I took them shopping. Yes, we navigated to the boys section and generally bought "boys" clothes, but I never told them which section we were in. I bought legos, dolls, strollers, groceries, trains, trucks, and craft supplies with equal enthusiasm and very little disparity.  I bought Kegan a pair of pink sparkly shoes when she was two because those were the shoes she picked. I also bought her green camo (which I despise) shoes when she was three because those were the shoes she picked. I have never said "girls should...", "girls can"t...," "only girls...". I have also never said, "boys must..," "boys will be boys," or "only boys..." I have talked about people or "boys and girls," I don't tell my kids they are "good boys." (Or obviously "bad boys."

And suddenly the shoes in our house have gender labels. This is tough. I believe it is necessary to Kegan's transition that she become aware of the gender expressions that show the world "I am a girl," or "I am a boy." Her whole life, everyone has assumed she was a boy, not suddenly she has to make the world see her as how she sees herself. I can't come up with any other ways to do that than:

1. Make a sandwich board for her to wear that says, "I am a girl. Please use female pronouns."
2. Dress the part the way society sees girls.

In order for her to do that she is figuring out what makes society see a child as a girl versus a boy. She has figured out if she wears a dress, people tend to see a girl. If she grows her hair long, people see a girl, If she wears certain shoes, people see a girl. She is right...how else do you distinguish between two kids of opposite genders in size 6?

We have dresses covered, we are getting there with leggings, more fitted shirts, the Mary Janes. But her hair is still too boyish. I have actually talked to my husband about splurging for extensions. For my five year old! I know what it is to have a bad haircut, one far too short. I remember with far too much clarity getting ten inches of hair cut off with one snip of the scissors when I was ten. I burst into tears. I was devastated...I had no idea how drastic it was going from long to so short. I had no idea the patience required to go from all those layers to long again. I think if Kegan had long hair, NOW!, she would easily be assumed to be a girl 99% of the time. But extensions? Really? Outrageous and yet...I am still trying to figure out how to justify the cost. No, actually I am not, I am okay with the cost, I am trying to figure out if it would be okay to do that to a five year old.

Pierced ears are my next thought...short hair gains a a total girl attitude when paired with cubic zirconia or pink sparkly studs. I am pretty okay, not perfect, but comfortable enough, with my five year old getting pierced ears. But not if it is my idea. I want a bosy change like that to come from her. But my kids don't know enough about how girls are defined to even know to ask for pierced ears for Kegan. She knows what earrings are, she sees people wear them ,and has even often admired them...but to think to ask for them, I just don't think she is there yet.

Nail polish was suggested to me. That is a pretty girly decoration, despite the male polish that some men wear. But if Sean wanted to wear it too, I could not allow myself to say "No." I cannot tell him it is only for girls. Sean likes his short hair, so I don't worry about him asking for extensions. I don't think he would ask for pierced ears, especially after watching Kegan scream from the pain...and honestly, I do have a problem with my two or three or even four year old having pierced ears, so that is easy. But nail polish? I specifically bought Piggy Paint in matching colors to my nail polish a few times, so I could let the kids wear nail polish if they asked, Which they never did. 

I sometimes wonder how much of this stuff is my issue versus Kegan's. Kegan is happy. In fact, I sometimes feel she is much happier as a girl than she was as a boy. The changes are subtle, I don't think of her as a pouty or melancholy boy, but she is different. She is kinder to Sean, almost as if a level of self-imposed competition has been removed. I think her being a girl, being who she is, is all she needs right now. The dresses and leggings make her a girl to the world in her eyes, and for the most part they do. Maybe it is my impatience, maybe I am the one who needs this all now. I don't like the occasional stares of "Is that a boy or a girl?" that I see directed at her...very occasionally. I am sure she doesn't even see them, but I do. I just want her to look the part she now stars in.  And yet, at the same time, I don't want either her or Sean to recognize exactly what makes the role of female versus male look legit to our society. 

The Girl with the Princess Sticker

Important Disclaimer! It is really hard for me to label clothes as belonging to one gender over the other. I have not done that until Kegan identified as transgender and she needed a way to show her femaleness. I honestly hate the constant clarification of which gender the clothes are or if they "belong" to girls or boys. Somehow, even though we have always tried to treat clothes, shoes, toys, stickers, and hair as belonging to all humans, when you have a girl in a boy's body it seems the only way to clarify her identity to observers is to let her pick all the "girly-girl" options very intentionally.

I love her feet!

Kegan wears a dress or typical girl clothes about 75% of the time now. I never know what reaction we will receive, fortunately we have only received acceptance or tolerance. So far. At least in person, we have family that do not approve, but we obviously don't see them anymore.

Earlier this week I had an appointment at my PCP, Kegan wore a very feminine outfit she selected and Sean ended up in classic boy attire that he selected as well. As we were leaving the office, Kegan asked, "Do they have stickers here?" One of the nurses overheard her and said, "I have stickers right here, hang on, I will bring them to you." My kids are used to peds offices where they get to select their own stickers, so when the nurse handed them each a sticker, I wasn't sure what to expect. 

Kegan smiled largely and said, "Thank you!" I asked, "What did you get?" With a grin, she said, "Princess."  I don't know if this nurse, who I have not seen before, assumed Kegan was a girl or could tell Kegan had a boy body and was comfortable with a gender creative or trans* kid. At this point, and maybe always, it doesn't matter.

Sadly, for Sean the same rule applied and he responded, "But I don't like Piderman!" We had a hushed and quick conversation about appreciating what someone gives you as we left and I asked him what he would have preferred. Sweet Sean answered, "A  kitty-cat."  I was honestly surprised that Sean wasn't sad he didn't receive a Princess as well. Sean, like most little brothers, looks up to Kegan as if Kegan not only hung the moon, but also proposed it, designed it, constructed it, and then after all that also hung it. So while my, to this point, male gender child was disappointed with his "boy sticker," my MTF transgender child was thrilled to be placed in the box with other girls, (As was I.)

On Friday, I took Kegan into our pediatrician's office for a sick call visit because I thought she had pink eye. We are fortunate to go to a practice that allows us to see the same pediatrician for each visit, unless it is a sick-call appointment and our regular doctor is unavailable. It happens, that this month our ped is off on Fridays, so we saw a female doctor we have only met one other time. Because I have spoken with our pediatrician and have been assured that the entire office staff will be welcoming to Kegan, I expected at a minimum, tolerance and no sideways glances. 

The doctor complimented Kegan on her dress, made small talk about the design (earning a few big smiles from K) and used the pronouns she/her very comfortably and naturally. It was awesome! As the kids were selecting stickers, I was able to speak with the doctor privately. I said, "Thank you for being so accepting of Kegan." She said, "Of course! Why wouldn't I be?" I replied, "I don't know why you wouldn't be, but some people just aren't. So thank you, very much." 

I keep waiting for the bullying or the nasty to come out and I don't know if we are just in a honeymoon phase or this transition will be mostly smooth-sailing in the public eye, but I am immensely thankful for the kindness of people who welcome Kegan as a girl in this world. 

She Passed

My kid passed tonight. From what I understand this is one of the biggest challenges faced by transgender people. And tonight, at five years old, in a pink twirly shirt and brown leggings with striped ruffles at the ankles he/she passed.

We had met an African American man in the kids section of a department store who told my youngest his new rain boots were "fly" earlier. This gentleman, in his forties, and the father of five (two grown, three at home) raved about the red rubber boots, giving my baby some of the attention usually lavished on my oldest.

Later when my husband had taken my oldest to the bathroom, the little one and I were wandering around. We heard someone coming and as we turned to greet our returning family members, I saw it was not them, but the same friendly man from the kids department. He saw us and realized who we were waiting for, he said, "They're coming! Daddy and your sister are coming!" He high fived my fly little one while I stood there in awe and excitement that this milestone had occurred.

I suppose this isn't the first time, people see what they expect to see. Someone sees a cute kid in pink clothes and black Mary Janes and generally assumes it is a girl. Despite the messy, awkward growing out haircut. This is the first time though, that it has been verbalized.

The irony, (Is it irony? Alannis has forever confused me!) is as they headed into the bathroom, I overheard Kegan say, "We will go in the men's room, because we are both men." What I didn't hear because it was said as the door closed behind them was Kegan saying, "But....I am probably a girl."