Kegan is only five, but is very precocious. Today she asked me to read her the Diary of Anne Frank. While it is one of my favorite books, I don't think it is appropriate for a not quite six year old. She knows the premise, "During World War 2 there were a group of really bad people who felt like some people, like Jewish people, should not be allowed to live. So these Nazi's would send the Jewish people to concentration camps and sometimes kill them. Anne Frank and her family were so lucky that some very kind and brave people hid them for two years, bringing them food, and clothes, and protecting them from the Nazi's. Until someone found out and Anne and her family were arrested."
She doesn't know much more than that and I still find myself questioning how appropriate it was to have told her that much. But she reads and saw something about World War 2 somewhere and I had to give her an intro a few months ago. Then she heard us talking about the Anne Frank house...and so her education is constantly growing while her innocence is being drained.
While I was telling her that I didn't read the Diary of Anne Frank until I was 12 and I felt she was a little too young for it still, she asked me, "Why did the Nazi's not like the Jews?" And as I have wondered myself for years, I found I could not adequately answer her question. How does a person or worse an entire group of people decide to systematically hate an entire demographic?
And then I thought, "Well it wasn't just the Jews the Nazi's were against." Luckily that stayed in my head because immediately my next thought was, "Kegan, you would have been a marked person, The Nazi's did not want transgender people to live either." Even with her blonde hair and fair skin, she would have been a blight on their society. Not a blight like she might be in today's society in America, but so much so my daughter could be sent to a Concentration Camp, could be sent to the gas chamber, or just shot as she stepped off a train looking around at all the other unwanteds trying to find their bearings.
My daughter could have been an Anne Frank. Not because she is Jewish, but simply because the Nazis hated people like my child.
And then my heart broke, again. Like it always does as I think of the cruelty my child will face even though it is not 1944 anymore.
Showing posts with label Society's Binary Rules. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Society's Binary Rules. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Words Have Meaning
Words have meaning. I have always said that. Never has that been more true than as I contemplate the way we use words with the issue of transgenderism. (Speaking of words, is that even a word?)
We have given Kegan very little education on being transgender in our society. I am a big proponent of being honest, of being forthcoming, and being an educator. Kegan knows she is different than many girls. But she doesn't know it is, kind of a big deal. And we will keep her sheltered from that for as long as we can. (Fully recognizing the time limit on that is soon expiring.)
Kegan will sometimes say, "When I was a boy..." I gently comment, "When we thought you were a boy? You've always been a girl, we just thought you were a boy." It is important to be clear she didn't become a girl, she is and always has been a girl. We were wrong, we made a grave error, we gave her the wrong label. She was a girl from day one, not she became a girl.
The author of Gender Born, Gender Made talks about the term "transgender" being inappropriate. The prefix "trans" means to change thoroughly. But people who are transgender are not changing anything. They are making a correction in the label name they were originally given. If I consider this for long it makes me sad. It makes me sad because words have meaning and we already mislabeled Kegan once, as a boy. When we label her transgender now we are making the same mistake again. She didn't change, she is still Kegan. She just let the world know, we the world, got it wrong. Sadly, I don't expect a more accurate label to come along, so for now we just are going with "transgender."
Recently a girl in Canada had her birth certificate updated to reflect her true gender self. I saw a tweet that announced, "11 -Year Old Canadian girl gets birth certificate changed." Someone replied (or whatever you do on twitter), "She didn't change her birth certificate, she corrected it." I thought, "Wow!" Two words, both start with the letter "c," but it changes the meaning so drastically!
As a mom of a trans* kid I constantly find my addled brain on alert to choose my words very carefully and very wisely because I know those who don't accept the idea of a gender spectrum or the idea of people identifying as their true gender selves as reasonable human variations, will look for my errors. They will pounce on my misspoken words. But equally important, as I educate those who are accepting, as I speak as an ally, I need to ensure my words are accurate.
We have given Kegan very little education on being transgender in our society. I am a big proponent of being honest, of being forthcoming, and being an educator. Kegan knows she is different than many girls. But she doesn't know it is, kind of a big deal. And we will keep her sheltered from that for as long as we can. (Fully recognizing the time limit on that is soon expiring.)
Kegan will sometimes say, "When I was a boy..." I gently comment, "When we thought you were a boy? You've always been a girl, we just thought you were a boy." It is important to be clear she didn't become a girl, she is and always has been a girl. We were wrong, we made a grave error, we gave her the wrong label. She was a girl from day one, not she became a girl.
The author of Gender Born, Gender Made talks about the term "transgender" being inappropriate. The prefix "trans" means to change thoroughly. But people who are transgender are not changing anything. They are making a correction in the label name they were originally given. If I consider this for long it makes me sad. It makes me sad because words have meaning and we already mislabeled Kegan once, as a boy. When we label her transgender now we are making the same mistake again. She didn't change, she is still Kegan. She just let the world know, we the world, got it wrong. Sadly, I don't expect a more accurate label to come along, so for now we just are going with "transgender."
Recently a girl in Canada had her birth certificate updated to reflect her true gender self. I saw a tweet that announced, "11 -Year Old Canadian girl gets birth certificate changed." Someone replied (or whatever you do on twitter), "She didn't change her birth certificate, she corrected it." I thought, "Wow!" Two words, both start with the letter "c," but it changes the meaning so drastically!
As a mom of a trans* kid I constantly find my addled brain on alert to choose my words very carefully and very wisely because I know those who don't accept the idea of a gender spectrum or the idea of people identifying as their true gender selves as reasonable human variations, will look for my errors. They will pounce on my misspoken words. But equally important, as I educate those who are accepting, as I speak as an ally, I need to ensure my words are accurate.
Friday, July 25, 2014
"I am a Girl, Not I am a Girl, but...
We had our playdate today. It went without a hitch. Kegan totally passes, so that is truly never a concern. Watching her with two other little girls was peaceful. Not in a zen-yoga-lady kind of way, just it was good to see her in her element. The date was outdoors and casual, but organized enough to keep things moving along. It was good.
As we were driving home, it occurred to me, if I truly accept and truly believe in my heart and mind that she is a girl, that her birth certificate is errored, that we have simply misidentified her all these years, then no one needs to be told. It is not as if I would ever identify to anyone what Sean has going on between his legs. The thought would never be necessary, it would never cross my mind. I realized, this is in fact, much simpler than I have been making it, "She is a girl. Not she is a girl, but..."
I spoke with our therapist last night and she told me that telling after the second date is likely premature. She suggested it is not necessary to tell ever or maybe after 10-15 play dates it would make sense. Unless there is a sleepover or a swimming play date, there is no reason to share that information yet. And even when it is a sleepover or swimming date the information is shared as a safety precaution for Kegan, not to quantify her right to the label "girl." (More on safety later.)
She explained that sometimes when you are in the "Telling Phase," the brain gets locked into telling people and it becomes difficult to discriminate between who to tell and who not to tell. That resonated with me because we have been having to tell everyone. This is the first family that only knows Kegan as Kegan, not as "Kegan, formerly known as a boy."
Our therapist said that sometimes when people find out, even if they are accepting, they still treat the child differently. Kegan deserves to have a childhood as a girl without these layers of transgender issues. Kegan is a girl, not she is a girl, but. We need to let her just be that girl. People see her as a girl, she knows herself to be a girl, she should get the same childhood that any girl gets. Her femininity or girlness should not be constantly evaluated or labelled or characterized with ifs and buts.
We are not keeping her identity as transgender a secret, but it is private. That was a hard sentence for me to understand because sometimes when we are stealth, I feel like by not telling, we are making it something to be ashamed of. But a secret is something you carry by yourself, private is something some people know about, but not the whole world. There is a distinct difference and private is appropriate for many things. Private is not shameful, it is just private and personal.
As far as safety, we have to balance her right to privacy with her absolute, non-negotiable need for safety. If she is at a sleepover and her penis is observed it could lead to an unsafe situation. The therapist said we don't need to scare her and suggested using the words, "It can confuse people. Most boys have penises and most girls have vaginas, some girls though, like you, have a penis. But since most girls don't have penises, it can confuse people when they first find out a girl has a penis. It is something unexpected and so it can be confusing." That makes sense to me. It makes being transgender a slice on the spectrum of gender. Certainly if people might be confused we want to be preemptive before they discover inadvertently. Certainly being confused is acceptable for many areas of life. Certainly being confused is not the same as unaccepting.
Our awesome therapist assured me, we are not tricking people, we are not lying. We are just letting our daughter be the girl she is freely. We are letting Kegan free to be the girl she is. She doesn't need a clause defining her girlness, she is a girl as much as I am.
I knew that before, but now I truly "get it." She was equal to her peers today in their claim to being a girl. She is a girl, not she is a girl but!
As we were driving home, it occurred to me, if I truly accept and truly believe in my heart and mind that she is a girl, that her birth certificate is errored, that we have simply misidentified her all these years, then no one needs to be told. It is not as if I would ever identify to anyone what Sean has going on between his legs. The thought would never be necessary, it would never cross my mind. I realized, this is in fact, much simpler than I have been making it, "She is a girl. Not she is a girl, but..."
I spoke with our therapist last night and she told me that telling after the second date is likely premature. She suggested it is not necessary to tell ever or maybe after 10-15 play dates it would make sense. Unless there is a sleepover or a swimming play date, there is no reason to share that information yet. And even when it is a sleepover or swimming date the information is shared as a safety precaution for Kegan, not to quantify her right to the label "girl." (More on safety later.)
She explained that sometimes when you are in the "Telling Phase," the brain gets locked into telling people and it becomes difficult to discriminate between who to tell and who not to tell. That resonated with me because we have been having to tell everyone. This is the first family that only knows Kegan as Kegan, not as "Kegan, formerly known as a boy."
Our therapist said that sometimes when people find out, even if they are accepting, they still treat the child differently. Kegan deserves to have a childhood as a girl without these layers of transgender issues. Kegan is a girl, not she is a girl, but. We need to let her just be that girl. People see her as a girl, she knows herself to be a girl, she should get the same childhood that any girl gets. Her femininity or girlness should not be constantly evaluated or labelled or characterized with ifs and buts.
We are not keeping her identity as transgender a secret, but it is private. That was a hard sentence for me to understand because sometimes when we are stealth, I feel like by not telling, we are making it something to be ashamed of. But a secret is something you carry by yourself, private is something some people know about, but not the whole world. There is a distinct difference and private is appropriate for many things. Private is not shameful, it is just private and personal.
As far as safety, we have to balance her right to privacy with her absolute, non-negotiable need for safety. If she is at a sleepover and her penis is observed it could lead to an unsafe situation. The therapist said we don't need to scare her and suggested using the words, "It can confuse people. Most boys have penises and most girls have vaginas, some girls though, like you, have a penis. But since most girls don't have penises, it can confuse people when they first find out a girl has a penis. It is something unexpected and so it can be confusing." That makes sense to me. It makes being transgender a slice on the spectrum of gender. Certainly if people might be confused we want to be preemptive before they discover inadvertently. Certainly being confused is acceptable for many areas of life. Certainly being confused is not the same as unaccepting.
Our awesome therapist assured me, we are not tricking people, we are not lying. We are just letting our daughter be the girl she is freely. We are letting Kegan free to be the girl she is. She doesn't need a clause defining her girlness, she is a girl as much as I am.
I knew that before, but now I truly "get it." She was equal to her peers today in their claim to being a girl. She is a girl, not she is a girl but!
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Names of Roses
I just submitted some claims to our FSA account and it is so strange to see Kegan's old name on the paperwork and is even stranger to click the box next to that name. I realize it is just a name, but at the same time it is not "just a name." It is her old name, her name when we thought she was a boy, her past.
We still have photos of her when she looked like a boy on display in the house. So far we have not discussed removing them, she hasn't asked and we haven't offered. She seems very confident in her life...this is who I was and this is who I am now. Maybe because she transitioned so young she won't ever ask us to take the photos down.
Somehow the photos don't seem wrong, like her name on the insurance bills do. Maybe because we all look different in old photos...certainly not as different as Kegan does or will. But hairstyles change color, length, height(!!); clothes change drastically between decades...sometimes it is hard to recognize who we were or who we thought we were. If she does ask us to remove them or place them out of sight of visitors, we will honor her request without delay.
I was literally about to type, "But I honestly don't expect her to make that request," when I flashed to her teen years and friends coming over to visit and suddenly I thought, "Yeah, she is probably going to ask." Then I flashed to an upcoming playdate with a new friend who did not know Kegan prior to her transition. Will Kegan want this child to continue to not know, at least until when/if they become good pals? (This brings up a whole new set of concerns: who deserves to know? Who needs to know?) This playdate just went from a fun new opportunity to a huge risk somehow. The playdate is not even at our home....I am just projecting ahead to if this neutral location goes well.
Maybe our photos will be coming down. It makes me sad if they do, not because I need to have photos to remember her past, but because the thought of her feeling the need to hide or forget her past shatters my heart.
We still have photos of her when she looked like a boy on display in the house. So far we have not discussed removing them, she hasn't asked and we haven't offered. She seems very confident in her life...this is who I was and this is who I am now. Maybe because she transitioned so young she won't ever ask us to take the photos down.
Somehow the photos don't seem wrong, like her name on the insurance bills do. Maybe because we all look different in old photos...certainly not as different as Kegan does or will. But hairstyles change color, length, height(!!); clothes change drastically between decades...sometimes it is hard to recognize who we were or who we thought we were. If she does ask us to remove them or place them out of sight of visitors, we will honor her request without delay.
I was literally about to type, "But I honestly don't expect her to make that request," when I flashed to her teen years and friends coming over to visit and suddenly I thought, "Yeah, she is probably going to ask." Then I flashed to an upcoming playdate with a new friend who did not know Kegan prior to her transition. Will Kegan want this child to continue to not know, at least until when/if they become good pals? (This brings up a whole new set of concerns: who deserves to know? Who needs to know?) This playdate just went from a fun new opportunity to a huge risk somehow. The playdate is not even at our home....I am just projecting ahead to if this neutral location goes well.
Maybe our photos will be coming down. It makes me sad if they do, not because I need to have photos to remember her past, but because the thought of her feeling the need to hide or forget her past shatters my heart.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
The Hard Stuff
I recently wrote a post in response to the not infrequent comments my husband and I get about how incredibly difficult this journey must be for our family. The only thing that makes it truly hard, right now, is the lack of acceptance or the ignoring by family or friends. A transsexual woman commented on that post that I must really know it is actually quite hard for Kegan (or will be as she ages). I wanted to address that.
Certainly, I know it is so hard to be transgender. I am totally aware of how difficult it is to be a girl with a penis (as much as I can be aware, as a girl with a vulva). The other day I was explaining to Sean about why, as a girl, I don't have a penis and had to stop because, well, not all girls have vulvas...some of them, like my daughter have a penis. I get it. It is actually really hard.
I know that my daughter is part of a community who has an astronomical suicide attempt rate. 41% versus less than 2% for the general population. That thought crosses my mind daily. Daily. I am constantly aware that my daughter has a close to 50% chance of attempting suicide simply because of who she is.
Unemployment is higher among trans* individuals. My daughter could be fired from a job (if she was old enough to have one that is!) in many states just because she is transgender. Getting a driver's license photo taken is not just about trying to smile in time for the DMV customer service rep but convincing him or her to allow you to look like you look on a daily basis. It is not easy to be transgender.
Do I worry about who will love my child? My only hope is for my kids to be happy and safe in life. Who will love this flawed human being who by the way also has a penis but is actually a girl? Will she be a lesbian? Will that make physical love easier? I have no idea, I am utterly ignorant on how to help her figure all this out. Will she be straight? Will there be a man who is comfortable with non-traditional sex to love her enough as she is? Does it make me sad (and stunned) that at not even six years old I am worrying about my child's future sex life? It does. Worrying about her marriage prospects. Worrying about people accepting her not only today, but next week, next month, next year, when she is 14, 16, 18, 22, 33, 46, 57, 63.
When my daughter is 89 and living in a skilled nursing facility will the world be kind to her? Will the caregivers be polite to her and call her Miss Kegan while giving her a bath and seeing her penis? Will they be mean behind her back? Will some of them refuse to care for her because she does not meet their norms? Will some of them not answer her call button when she needs help because of who she is? My daughter is six and I literally worry about her end of life days when she is an old lady. How messed up is that? Thanks society!
Have we lost family and friends who can't accept her? Yep. Do I dread the day she figures out that it hasn't just "been awhile since we saw certain people"? Yes. Do I fear the day she discovers she is not as "normal" as we have led her to believe? Do I wonder nightly if we should be telling her more truth today so it won't hurt so much tomorrow? Or is it right to keep her innocent, to build her strength and boldness now while our opinion is the only one that matters to her? Do I cry over my fear of not having the right words to help her when someone rejects her? I do. I do.
I question every decision we make. Most parents do that. I question ours purely because I want to do the right thing (like all parents), but also because if I screw this up my baby might try to kill herself. Do I wonder at what point I have to tell friends who don't know...what about sleep overs? Do those moms have a right to know that my daughter has a penis if their daughter is sleeping next to her at age ten during a slumber party? I don't know. I want it to not matter. But in our world, it sure seems to matter a lot.
I feel so sad that my daughter won't be able to carry a child under her heart if she desires that. Do I question if we should freeze her sperm if she decides to go on hormone blockers before puberty? I do...how crazy is that? She is five! Five and I am wondering...is it possible for a ten year old to masturbate to produce sperm for freezing so she might be able to have her own biological children one day? It is completely crazy.
So I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, this is hard. And as hard as it is for me, it will be ten million times harder for Kegan. But...the actual part of having a trans* kid...that is not hard. All of the above, with the exception of fertility, is directly responding to society. To the lack of acceptance by society. If society would just accept a non binary gender spectrum, if society would just be willing to evaluate the real problems in life (I made a small sample list on my post) then none of this would be hard. It would be a journey like any other life journey. Filled with joy, misery, love, heartache, sorrow, happiness, peace, anxiety. It would just be the "simple" life everyone has. Society makes it hard. People not accepting others makes it hard. The trans* part itself is not the hard.
I suppose ask me in 10 year when she is 16. Maybe I am speaking too early. But for right now, this is where I am. And all the hard comes from one place...the world. Never from my daughter's true self.
Disclaimer:
I think I might sound angry at my commenter and I am not. I am angry though. Angry that this conversation even needs to be had. I am so angry that my daughter will have a harder life than she needs to. I am angry that all these worries and fears come from people being unaccepting. I am thankful the commenter pointed out it is really hard for her and it will be really hard for my daughter, But I already knew that (sadly). I just wish the origin of what makes it hard could be solved. To do that we need to fix society to accept all human beings where they are right now.
Certainly, I know it is so hard to be transgender. I am totally aware of how difficult it is to be a girl with a penis (as much as I can be aware, as a girl with a vulva). The other day I was explaining to Sean about why, as a girl, I don't have a penis and had to stop because, well, not all girls have vulvas...some of them, like my daughter have a penis. I get it. It is actually really hard.
I know that my daughter is part of a community who has an astronomical suicide attempt rate. 41% versus less than 2% for the general population. That thought crosses my mind daily. Daily. I am constantly aware that my daughter has a close to 50% chance of attempting suicide simply because of who she is.
Unemployment is higher among trans* individuals. My daughter could be fired from a job (if she was old enough to have one that is!) in many states just because she is transgender. Getting a driver's license photo taken is not just about trying to smile in time for the DMV customer service rep but convincing him or her to allow you to look like you look on a daily basis. It is not easy to be transgender.
Do I worry about who will love my child? My only hope is for my kids to be happy and safe in life. Who will love this flawed human being who by the way also has a penis but is actually a girl? Will she be a lesbian? Will that make physical love easier? I have no idea, I am utterly ignorant on how to help her figure all this out. Will she be straight? Will there be a man who is comfortable with non-traditional sex to love her enough as she is? Does it make me sad (and stunned) that at not even six years old I am worrying about my child's future sex life? It does. Worrying about her marriage prospects. Worrying about people accepting her not only today, but next week, next month, next year, when she is 14, 16, 18, 22, 33, 46, 57, 63.
When my daughter is 89 and living in a skilled nursing facility will the world be kind to her? Will the caregivers be polite to her and call her Miss Kegan while giving her a bath and seeing her penis? Will they be mean behind her back? Will some of them refuse to care for her because she does not meet their norms? Will some of them not answer her call button when she needs help because of who she is? My daughter is six and I literally worry about her end of life days when she is an old lady. How messed up is that? Thanks society!
Have we lost family and friends who can't accept her? Yep. Do I dread the day she figures out that it hasn't just "been awhile since we saw certain people"? Yes. Do I fear the day she discovers she is not as "normal" as we have led her to believe? Do I wonder nightly if we should be telling her more truth today so it won't hurt so much tomorrow? Or is it right to keep her innocent, to build her strength and boldness now while our opinion is the only one that matters to her? Do I cry over my fear of not having the right words to help her when someone rejects her? I do. I do.
I question every decision we make. Most parents do that. I question ours purely because I want to do the right thing (like all parents), but also because if I screw this up my baby might try to kill herself. Do I wonder at what point I have to tell friends who don't know...what about sleep overs? Do those moms have a right to know that my daughter has a penis if their daughter is sleeping next to her at age ten during a slumber party? I don't know. I want it to not matter. But in our world, it sure seems to matter a lot.
I feel so sad that my daughter won't be able to carry a child under her heart if she desires that. Do I question if we should freeze her sperm if she decides to go on hormone blockers before puberty? I do...how crazy is that? She is five! Five and I am wondering...is it possible for a ten year old to masturbate to produce sperm for freezing so she might be able to have her own biological children one day? It is completely crazy.
So I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, this is hard. And as hard as it is for me, it will be ten million times harder for Kegan. But...the actual part of having a trans* kid...that is not hard. All of the above, with the exception of fertility, is directly responding to society. To the lack of acceptance by society. If society would just accept a non binary gender spectrum, if society would just be willing to evaluate the real problems in life (I made a small sample list on my post) then none of this would be hard. It would be a journey like any other life journey. Filled with joy, misery, love, heartache, sorrow, happiness, peace, anxiety. It would just be the "simple" life everyone has. Society makes it hard. People not accepting others makes it hard. The trans* part itself is not the hard.
I suppose ask me in 10 year when she is 16. Maybe I am speaking too early. But for right now, this is where I am. And all the hard comes from one place...the world. Never from my daughter's true self.
Disclaimer:
I think I might sound angry at my commenter and I am not. I am angry though. Angry that this conversation even needs to be had. I am so angry that my daughter will have a harder life than she needs to. I am angry that all these worries and fears come from people being unaccepting. I am thankful the commenter pointed out it is really hard for her and it will be really hard for my daughter, But I already knew that (sadly). I just wish the origin of what makes it hard could be solved. To do that we need to fix society to accept all human beings where they are right now.
Dear DMV,
I have read of three people in the past week having problems at the DMV. No, not the long lines, grumpy employee, wrong forms kind of problems that everyone complains about, but discrimination problems.
In West Virginia two women were informed that because their license lists them as male they could not wear makeup for their photo. By wearing make up (and in one case apparently, false eyelashes) they were "attempting to conceal or alter their appearance." In South Carolina a teenager who identifies as male but wears "female" clothing (why must we label clothes?) and make up every single day was told to remove his make up for the same reason these women were told to remove theirs.
Here is the thing, DMV, that IS their appearance. By forcing these women and this boy to NOT wear make up, to not wear their false eyelashes, you are inherently forcing them to alter or conceal their appearance. If they are pulled over or attempt to use their driver's license for proof of identity, they will not match the picture because of how you want them to look in front of your camera.
If someone comes into your office and tells you that she is a transgender woman, try to take that at face value. If someone tells you he is gender non-conforming, trust him. People are not transgender or gender non-conforming for the fun of it or for a social experiment. People do not live their life in a manner which is shunned by much of society just to get a different look for their driver's license photo.
Get it together DMV. Because in 10 years my daughter will be waiting in line and I can only hope you will have figured out how to accept a person who who they are and for who they live their life as by then. In fact, figure it out by next week...these human beings waiting now should not have to deal with this today.
Sincerely,
Kay
-Proud Mom of my MTF transgender daughter
-Ally to the LGBTQ Community
In West Virginia two women were informed that because their license lists them as male they could not wear makeup for their photo. By wearing make up (and in one case apparently, false eyelashes) they were "attempting to conceal or alter their appearance." In South Carolina a teenager who identifies as male but wears "female" clothing (why must we label clothes?) and make up every single day was told to remove his make up for the same reason these women were told to remove theirs.
Here is the thing, DMV, that IS their appearance. By forcing these women and this boy to NOT wear make up, to not wear their false eyelashes, you are inherently forcing them to alter or conceal their appearance. If they are pulled over or attempt to use their driver's license for proof of identity, they will not match the picture because of how you want them to look in front of your camera.
If someone comes into your office and tells you that she is a transgender woman, try to take that at face value. If someone tells you he is gender non-conforming, trust him. People are not transgender or gender non-conforming for the fun of it or for a social experiment. People do not live their life in a manner which is shunned by much of society just to get a different look for their driver's license photo.
Get it together DMV. Because in 10 years my daughter will be waiting in line and I can only hope you will have figured out how to accept a person who who they are and for who they live their life as by then. In fact, figure it out by next week...these human beings waiting now should not have to deal with this today.
Sincerely,
Kay
-Proud Mom of my MTF transgender daughter
-Ally to the LGBTQ Community
Monday, June 30, 2014
Pride
Do you remember the pep rally chant in high school? "We've got spirit, yes we do, we've got spirit, how 'bout you?" I feel like we have a lot of Pride spirit, but I am not sure how to show it. I want to be like those parents who post videos online of their trans* kid showing the world how similar a trans* kid can be to a cis kid. I want to tell everyone I meet (okay, not everyone!) that my daughter is trans* and show them how she is totally normal. I want to break down barriers, open doors, and build a safer world for her and this community.
But...she is little, not quite six. She has no idea that there are people who not only will think she is weird, but will reject her simply because she was born in the wrong body. The other day she asked me why I was giving a book about a trans* kid to a friend. I told her because some people have never heard that some people are born in the wrong body. She was incredulous and asked, "Really?!?!" She has been taught that having a trans* daughter, sister, friend is totally normal. That being trans* is no less normal than someone wearing glasses because their eyes were born not quite developed all the way.
I am so thankful her confidence is not shattered or shuttered by her transgenderism. I am so happy she gets to continue living her life exactly as before only with a new name in new clothes. I am beyond thankful for her innocence. I dread the day she discovers we have been keeping such a dark secret from her that some people think being trans* is wrong, against God, against humanity. This is a life lesson I am hopeful she doesn't experience for many years, when she has identified as trans* for so long and has had so many, many positive experiences that nothing will faze her for long.
I want to take her to a Pride Parade. I want to introduce her to other kids like her. I want her to know she isn't alone. We have talked about meeting other kids like her and she has vacillated between loving the idea and being fine to not add new friends to her dance card right now.
My hesitation with taking her to Pride is I feel like if we make being trans* a big deal then she will start to recognize it, well, it kind of is a big deal in our world. I love that she thinks life has not changed for her or us. I love that she went from being a boy to a boy and a girl to a girl so seamlessly, so smoothly, and so free of angst or sorrow. I do not want to introduce any negativity to her about who she is.
Yet, when we don't go to Pride Parades or when I don't post something fabulous about her in a "Parents of Transgender Kids" group on Facebook, I feel like I am only half an ally. But I don't want to out her anymore than I do already....family, friends, dentist office, doctor office, my work, my husband's work, anyone who asks me, "How are the boys?"...I feel like I out her all the time. And what if she doesn't want to be outed? There are so many people in our lives, either immediately or on the periphery enough that I need to share her gender with, it seems like I do it all the time. And I want it to be her who outs herself. But she doesn't even realize there is anything to out...which is amazing and awesome.
I guess I will continue to educate people, buy books for people, write heartfelt letters about my daughter's transition, and entertain any and all questions because right now that is how I get to be an ally and still protect Kegan.
I want her to own a rainbow flag...but I don't want her to know it is special because of who she is. Not yet, not yet. Is that wrong?
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Not SO Hard
Having a transgender child is not easy, but more importantly it is not “incredibly difficult,” “SO hard”, “very challenging,” or “unimaginable.” I am tired of people attempting to sympathize with me by telling me, “I can’t even imagine how very difficult this must be for you.” I am declaring right now, right here, this is not hard. I don’t mean to imply it is easy, because there are days it is not easy and I imagine in future days it will be not easy. (Oh, yes? Is that you puberty? We were expecting your call.)
Here is what can be classified as SO hard:
-your husband dying suddenly when your youngest child is 12 months old
-being diagnosed with terminal cancer at 8 months pregnant
-being told your infant is facing a life or death crisis
-taking care of your paralyzed father while raising a child
-spending night after night in the hospital caring for a loved one: young or old
-losing your job without having a big savings account
-being told it is time to consider hospice care for your child who was healthy until two days ago
Those are some example of what is really hard in life. I have either personally faced those things or have had friends or family deal with those situations.
Having a child tell you, “I am a girl,” when for the first five years of that child’s life you thought she was a boy is certainly not easy, but let’s be realistic it is not hard.
Along the same lines, having a transgender child is not a big problem. It is not a crisis of epic proportions. Yes, there are times it feels like an acute crisis, the transition period can be dicey at best, but life gets back to normal. Life goes on more or less as before. You still have a child, you still have a child who loves x, y, and z and still won’t eat Brussel sprouts. (Ha, ha, my kid actually will eat Brussels sprouts. Aren’t I lucky?)
Here are some things that are actual problems:
-the United States is currently flying armed drones over Iraq. That is a problem.
-a 17 year old girl and her 30 year old husband were beheaded last week by their families because they married for love versus by family dictate. That is a problem.
-40 children die every year because they are left in their carseats on hot days. That is a problem.
-Students and teachers are not safe in their classrooms and school hallways because we have not infrequent school shootings. That is a problem.
-There are children in this world who will starve to death this week. That is a problem.
-There are children in all of our neighborhood’s or at least our cities who will go to bed hungry tonight because their last meal was at school at lunchtime. That is a problem.
Those are problems. My daughter having a penis is an anatomical difference. it is not a problem. Trust me, I am living this life. In the grand scheme of actual real problems, a penis on a girl is pretty low level on the ranking of problems.
The only thing that makes having a transgender child hard or a problem is that society tells us it is hard and it is a problem. The only thing that makes it hard is when a “friend” tells you she will still love your child while referring to her by the pronouns “he” and “him” and her former (male) name. (See, again, that is society!) The only thing that makes it a problem is when your family is uninvited to an event because it is “too embarrassing” to explain who your child is. (Embarrassing to explain to who? Yep, you guessed it: society!) The only thing that makes it hard is when people can’t accept that not everyone is cut from the same fabric as themselves.
I have always been amazed by our ability to make problems out of nothing, to make a small difference or a mild atypical situation into a FEMA grade disaster. If parents, and society in general, would accept one simple fact: All people should be able to be who they are and each individual should be allowed to determine who he/she is,” then we could actually deal with the real problems in the world and my amazing trans* kid would not be at risk for rejection or suicide or made to feel there is something wrong with her. And people could stop telling me how hard our life must be.
Friday, April 11, 2014
Boy Shoes
I overheard the following conversation this morning as the kids were getting ready to go outside:
Sean: I have boy shoes.
Kegan: Yeah, and I have girl shoes.
I stopped in my tracks and suddenly felt slightly nauseous that my kids just labelled shoes as only for boys or only for girls! Shoes! We have spent the past five plus years being gender neutral and now within the last four months we have become a very gender aware family.
I never took my kids to the "boys department" to shop, I took them shopping. Yes, we navigated to the boys section and generally bought "boys" clothes, but I never told them which section we were in. I bought legos, dolls, strollers, groceries, trains, trucks, and craft supplies with equal enthusiasm and very little disparity. I bought Kegan a pair of pink sparkly shoes when she was two because those were the shoes she picked. I also bought her green camo (which I despise) shoes when she was three because those were the shoes she picked. I have never said "girls should...", "girls can"t...," "only girls...". I have also never said, "boys must..," "boys will be boys," or "only boys..." I have talked about people or "boys and girls," I don't tell my kids they are "good boys." (Or obviously "bad boys."
And suddenly the shoes in our house have gender labels. This is tough. I believe it is necessary to Kegan's transition that she become aware of the gender expressions that show the world "I am a girl," or "I am a boy." Her whole life, everyone has assumed she was a boy, not suddenly she has to make the world see her as how she sees herself. I can't come up with any other ways to do that than:
1. Make a sandwich board for her to wear that says, "I am a girl. Please use female pronouns."
2. Dress the part the way society sees girls.
In order for her to do that she is figuring out what makes society see a child as a girl versus a boy. She has figured out if she wears a dress, people tend to see a girl. If she grows her hair long, people see a girl, If she wears certain shoes, people see a girl. She is right...how else do you distinguish between two kids of opposite genders in size 6?
We have dresses covered, we are getting there with leggings, more fitted shirts, the Mary Janes. But her hair is still too boyish. I have actually talked to my husband about splurging for extensions. For my five year old! I know what it is to have a bad haircut, one far too short. I remember with far too much clarity getting ten inches of hair cut off with one snip of the scissors when I was ten. I burst into tears. I was devastated...I had no idea how drastic it was going from long to so short. I had no idea the patience required to go from all those layers to long again. I think if Kegan had long hair, NOW!, she would easily be assumed to be a girl 99% of the time. But extensions? Really? Outrageous and yet...I am still trying to figure out how to justify the cost. No, actually I am not, I am okay with the cost, I am trying to figure out if it would be okay to do that to a five year old.
Pierced ears are my next thought...short hair gains a a total girl attitude when paired with cubic zirconia or pink sparkly studs. I am pretty okay, not perfect, but comfortable enough, with my five year old getting pierced ears. But not if it is my idea. I want a bosy change like that to come from her. But my kids don't know enough about how girls are defined to even know to ask for pierced ears for Kegan. She knows what earrings are, she sees people wear them ,and has even often admired them...but to think to ask for them, I just don't think she is there yet.
Nail polish was suggested to me. That is a pretty girly decoration, despite the male polish that some men wear. But if Sean wanted to wear it too, I could not allow myself to say "No." I cannot tell him it is only for girls. Sean likes his short hair, so I don't worry about him asking for extensions. I don't think he would ask for pierced ears, especially after watching Kegan scream from the pain...and honestly, I do have a problem with my two or three or even four year old having pierced ears, so that is easy. But nail polish? I specifically bought Piggy Paint in matching colors to my nail polish a few times, so I could let the kids wear nail polish if they asked, Which they never did.
I sometimes wonder how much of this stuff is my issue versus Kegan's. Kegan is happy. In fact, I sometimes feel she is much happier as a girl than she was as a boy. The changes are subtle, I don't think of her as a pouty or melancholy boy, but she is different. She is kinder to Sean, almost as if a level of self-imposed competition has been removed. I think her being a girl, being who she is, is all she needs right now. The dresses and leggings make her a girl to the world in her eyes, and for the most part they do. Maybe it is my impatience, maybe I am the one who needs this all now. I don't like the occasional stares of "Is that a boy or a girl?" that I see directed at her...very occasionally. I am sure she doesn't even see them, but I do. I just want her to look the part she now stars in. And yet, at the same time, I don't want either her or Sean to recognize exactly what makes the role of female versus male look legit to our society.
Sean: I have boy shoes.
Kegan: Yeah, and I have girl shoes.
I stopped in my tracks and suddenly felt slightly nauseous that my kids just labelled shoes as only for boys or only for girls! Shoes! We have spent the past five plus years being gender neutral and now within the last four months we have become a very gender aware family.
I never took my kids to the "boys department" to shop, I took them shopping. Yes, we navigated to the boys section and generally bought "boys" clothes, but I never told them which section we were in. I bought legos, dolls, strollers, groceries, trains, trucks, and craft supplies with equal enthusiasm and very little disparity. I bought Kegan a pair of pink sparkly shoes when she was two because those were the shoes she picked. I also bought her green camo (which I despise) shoes when she was three because those were the shoes she picked. I have never said "girls should...", "girls can"t...," "only girls...". I have also never said, "boys must..," "boys will be boys," or "only boys..." I have talked about people or "boys and girls," I don't tell my kids they are "good boys." (Or obviously "bad boys."
And suddenly the shoes in our house have gender labels. This is tough. I believe it is necessary to Kegan's transition that she become aware of the gender expressions that show the world "I am a girl," or "I am a boy." Her whole life, everyone has assumed she was a boy, not suddenly she has to make the world see her as how she sees herself. I can't come up with any other ways to do that than:
1. Make a sandwich board for her to wear that says, "I am a girl. Please use female pronouns."
2. Dress the part the way society sees girls.
In order for her to do that she is figuring out what makes society see a child as a girl versus a boy. She has figured out if she wears a dress, people tend to see a girl. If she grows her hair long, people see a girl, If she wears certain shoes, people see a girl. She is right...how else do you distinguish between two kids of opposite genders in size 6?
We have dresses covered, we are getting there with leggings, more fitted shirts, the Mary Janes. But her hair is still too boyish. I have actually talked to my husband about splurging for extensions. For my five year old! I know what it is to have a bad haircut, one far too short. I remember with far too much clarity getting ten inches of hair cut off with one snip of the scissors when I was ten. I burst into tears. I was devastated...I had no idea how drastic it was going from long to so short. I had no idea the patience required to go from all those layers to long again. I think if Kegan had long hair, NOW!, she would easily be assumed to be a girl 99% of the time. But extensions? Really? Outrageous and yet...I am still trying to figure out how to justify the cost. No, actually I am not, I am okay with the cost, I am trying to figure out if it would be okay to do that to a five year old.
Pierced ears are my next thought...short hair gains a a total girl attitude when paired with cubic zirconia or pink sparkly studs. I am pretty okay, not perfect, but comfortable enough, with my five year old getting pierced ears. But not if it is my idea. I want a bosy change like that to come from her. But my kids don't know enough about how girls are defined to even know to ask for pierced ears for Kegan. She knows what earrings are, she sees people wear them ,and has even often admired them...but to think to ask for them, I just don't think she is there yet.
Nail polish was suggested to me. That is a pretty girly decoration, despite the male polish that some men wear. But if Sean wanted to wear it too, I could not allow myself to say "No." I cannot tell him it is only for girls. Sean likes his short hair, so I don't worry about him asking for extensions. I don't think he would ask for pierced ears, especially after watching Kegan scream from the pain...and honestly, I do have a problem with my two or three or even four year old having pierced ears, so that is easy. But nail polish? I specifically bought Piggy Paint in matching colors to my nail polish a few times, so I could let the kids wear nail polish if they asked, Which they never did.
I sometimes wonder how much of this stuff is my issue versus Kegan's. Kegan is happy. In fact, I sometimes feel she is much happier as a girl than she was as a boy. The changes are subtle, I don't think of her as a pouty or melancholy boy, but she is different. She is kinder to Sean, almost as if a level of self-imposed competition has been removed. I think her being a girl, being who she is, is all she needs right now. The dresses and leggings make her a girl to the world in her eyes, and for the most part they do. Maybe it is my impatience, maybe I am the one who needs this all now. I don't like the occasional stares of "Is that a boy or a girl?" that I see directed at her...very occasionally. I am sure she doesn't even see them, but I do. I just want her to look the part she now stars in. And yet, at the same time, I don't want either her or Sean to recognize exactly what makes the role of female versus male look legit to our society.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
The Girl with the Princess Sticker
Important Disclaimer! It is really hard for me to label clothes as belonging to one gender over the other. I have not done that until Kegan identified as transgender and she needed a way to show her femaleness. I honestly hate the constant clarification of which gender the clothes are or if they "belong" to girls or boys. Somehow, even though we have always tried to treat clothes, shoes, toys, stickers, and hair as belonging to all humans, when you have a girl in a boy's body it seems the only way to clarify her identity to observers is to let her pick all the "girly-girl" options very intentionally.
 |
| I love her feet! |
Earlier this week I had an appointment at my PCP, Kegan wore a very feminine outfit she selected and Sean ended up in classic boy attire that he selected as well. As we were leaving the office, Kegan asked, "Do they have stickers here?" One of the nurses overheard her and said, "I have stickers right here, hang on, I will bring them to you." My kids are used to peds offices where they get to select their own stickers, so when the nurse handed them each a sticker, I wasn't sure what to expect.
Kegan smiled largely and said, "Thank you!" I asked, "What did you get?" With a grin, she said, "Princess." I don't know if this nurse, who I have not seen before, assumed Kegan was a girl or could tell Kegan had a boy body and was comfortable with a gender creative or trans* kid. At this point, and maybe always, it doesn't matter.
Sadly, for Sean the same rule applied and he responded, "But I don't like Piderman!" We had a hushed and quick conversation about appreciating what someone gives you as we left and I asked him what he would have preferred. Sweet Sean answered, "A kitty-cat." I was honestly surprised that Sean wasn't sad he didn't receive a Princess as well. Sean, like most little brothers, looks up to Kegan as if Kegan not only hung the moon, but also proposed it, designed it, constructed it, and then after all that also hung it. So while my, to this point, male gender child was disappointed with his "boy sticker," my MTF transgender child was thrilled to be placed in the box with other girls, (As was I.)
On Friday, I took Kegan into our pediatrician's office for a sick call visit because I thought she had pink eye. We are fortunate to go to a practice that allows us to see the same pediatrician for each visit, unless it is a sick-call appointment and our regular doctor is unavailable. It happens, that this month our ped is off on Fridays, so we saw a female doctor we have only met one other time. Because I have spoken with our pediatrician and have been assured that the entire office staff will be welcoming to Kegan, I expected at a minimum, tolerance and no sideways glances.
The doctor complimented Kegan on her dress, made small talk about the design (earning a few big smiles from K) and used the pronouns she/her very comfortably and naturally. It was awesome! As the kids were selecting stickers, I was able to speak with the doctor privately. I said, "Thank you for being so accepting of Kegan." She said, "Of course! Why wouldn't I be?" I replied, "I don't know why you wouldn't be, but some people just aren't. So thank you, very much."
I keep waiting for the bullying or the nasty to come out and I don't know if we are just in a honeymoon phase or this transition will be mostly smooth-sailing in the public eye, but I am immensely thankful for the kindness of people who welcome Kegan as a girl in this world.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Mom Fail
Kegan and Sean came to work with me today. My total time at work was very brief, but the time I spent preparing and stressing over Kegan's outfit choice was hours.
Kegan has begun wearing dresses almost all the time. I am not particularly close to anyone at work and have not shared Kegan's transgender status with anyone there yet. The kids have maybe come to my office three times in over two years. I know the day is coming when we will be fully out, but I also feel like there are people who don't need to know yet. My colleagues fall into that category. I am not ashamed, if anything I am proud of my child for being so self-aware. I am nervous about negative reactions. I don't think I am quite ready to bring my personal life through the door at work. That is not actually accurate, I am not ready to face a loss of hours (I work on-call) if my boss reacts as I expect based on her conservative outlook.
While I didn't want Kegan wearing a dress, I also didn't want to say he/she could not wear in a dress. So I set the stage and hoped for the outcome I wanted, fortunately Kegan followed my script even without getting the lines. I simply asked, "Are you going to wear these pants today?" I know these particular pants have a special place in Kegan's heart and they definitely fall into the male gender label. Kegan selected the "boyish" outfit and I was relieved. (Guilty too, but I truly do have fears about my employer(s) decreasing my hours based on disagreement with my parenting on this issue, so my guilt was overruled by survival. And Kegan was happy with the outfit, so no harm, no foul. I hope.)
We arrived at work and my kids were awesome. I was nervous about their behavior because I knew they would have to be calm and quiet (not always their strengths). I left feeling an overwhelming sense of pride and my heart truly felt full at how beautifully they had behaved. So I was feeling good, but I was concerned Kegan was not.
Whenever I talk with Kegan about transgender issues I try to be so cool and casual, like, "So we can talk about this, but it is so not a big deal, and if you would prefer to talk about the color of mud on a rainy day, that is equally as awesome as having this totally not important conversation." That is the image I strive to present, but what I am actually feeling is, "Holy cow, do not screw this up, play it cool, play it cool, do not make Kegan feel awkward, don't be pushy, be open-ended, do not mess up!"
In my mind, talking while we drive is a good location. Kegan is "trapped" and we can't see each other's faces well, so that means it is low key and casual. As we left the parking lot we had this conversation:
Me: So at work everyone kept saying, "Oooh, look at the brothers." How do you feel about that?
Kegan: Not good.
Me: Was it okay that I didn't say anything about it or should I have said something to them?
Kegan: You should have told them to say, "Look at the siblings."
Me: Okay, I am sorry, next time I will. Why do you think people kept saying "brothers"?
Kegan: I don't know.
Me: Do you think they just thought you were a boy?
Kegan: Maybe.
Me: What are you?
Kegan: A girl.
Me: Are you a boy-girl or a just a girl?
Kegan: A girl. Maybe next time I will wear a dress.
Me: Yeah, that might be a good idea.
So that is not verbatim because I didn't think to hit record on my phone, but I need to start doing so because then I can over analyze every word I said and every response Kegan gave even more in depth than I do already. While it may not be an exact transcript, it is pretty close.
I am not sure how much Kegan is processing with each new experiences, but it seems he gets that if he wears a dress people will see him/her as a girl, which is clearly what Kegan needs. It is interesting that Kegan said "I am a girl," versus the usual "boy-girl." My husband and I are expecting Kegan to identify as a girl versus boy-girl based on Kegan's comments and behaviors. So far Kegan has not done so, but has identified as both a boy and girl. Maybe that is a gateway to a full transition. Maybe Kegan is just very fluid now and always will be.
Either way, I better put my game face on and hope my employers are more accepting than I am giving them credit for because the next time we go there Kegan is going to make sure no one sees him/her as boy only. I am so proud of Kegan for knowing who he/she is. I hope that when the taunts inevitably begin (hopefully not for years!), Kegan can remember how safe he/she was for so long, how boldly and quietly he/she identified his/her gender and gender expression. I hope Kegan's total lack of awareness, of how different he/she is from society's expectations for a five year old born with a penis, segues nicely into strength and courage when he/she does realize he/she is different than many, but definitely not all.
Kegan has begun wearing dresses almost all the time. I am not particularly close to anyone at work and have not shared Kegan's transgender status with anyone there yet. The kids have maybe come to my office three times in over two years. I know the day is coming when we will be fully out, but I also feel like there are people who don't need to know yet. My colleagues fall into that category. I am not ashamed, if anything I am proud of my child for being so self-aware. I am nervous about negative reactions. I don't think I am quite ready to bring my personal life through the door at work. That is not actually accurate, I am not ready to face a loss of hours (I work on-call) if my boss reacts as I expect based on her conservative outlook.
While I didn't want Kegan wearing a dress, I also didn't want to say he/she could not wear in a dress. So I set the stage and hoped for the outcome I wanted, fortunately Kegan followed my script even without getting the lines. I simply asked, "Are you going to wear these pants today?" I know these particular pants have a special place in Kegan's heart and they definitely fall into the male gender label. Kegan selected the "boyish" outfit and I was relieved. (Guilty too, but I truly do have fears about my employer(s) decreasing my hours based on disagreement with my parenting on this issue, so my guilt was overruled by survival. And Kegan was happy with the outfit, so no harm, no foul. I hope.)
We arrived at work and my kids were awesome. I was nervous about their behavior because I knew they would have to be calm and quiet (not always their strengths). I left feeling an overwhelming sense of pride and my heart truly felt full at how beautifully they had behaved. So I was feeling good, but I was concerned Kegan was not.
Whenever I talk with Kegan about transgender issues I try to be so cool and casual, like, "So we can talk about this, but it is so not a big deal, and if you would prefer to talk about the color of mud on a rainy day, that is equally as awesome as having this totally not important conversation." That is the image I strive to present, but what I am actually feeling is, "Holy cow, do not screw this up, play it cool, play it cool, do not make Kegan feel awkward, don't be pushy, be open-ended, do not mess up!"
In my mind, talking while we drive is a good location. Kegan is "trapped" and we can't see each other's faces well, so that means it is low key and casual. As we left the parking lot we had this conversation:
Me: So at work everyone kept saying, "Oooh, look at the brothers." How do you feel about that?
Kegan: Not good.
Me: Was it okay that I didn't say anything about it or should I have said something to them?
Kegan: You should have told them to say, "Look at the siblings."
Me: Okay, I am sorry, next time I will. Why do you think people kept saying "brothers"?
Kegan: I don't know.
Me: Do you think they just thought you were a boy?
Kegan: Maybe.
Me: What are you?
Kegan: A girl.
Me: Are you a boy-girl or a just a girl?
Kegan: A girl. Maybe next time I will wear a dress.
Me: Yeah, that might be a good idea.
So that is not verbatim because I didn't think to hit record on my phone, but I need to start doing so because then I can over analyze every word I said and every response Kegan gave even more in depth than I do already. While it may not be an exact transcript, it is pretty close.
I am not sure how much Kegan is processing with each new experiences, but it seems he gets that if he wears a dress people will see him/her as a girl, which is clearly what Kegan needs. It is interesting that Kegan said "I am a girl," versus the usual "boy-girl." My husband and I are expecting Kegan to identify as a girl versus boy-girl based on Kegan's comments and behaviors. So far Kegan has not done so, but has identified as both a boy and girl. Maybe that is a gateway to a full transition. Maybe Kegan is just very fluid now and always will be.
Either way, I better put my game face on and hope my employers are more accepting than I am giving them credit for because the next time we go there Kegan is going to make sure no one sees him/her as boy only. I am so proud of Kegan for knowing who he/she is. I hope that when the taunts inevitably begin (hopefully not for years!), Kegan can remember how safe he/she was for so long, how boldly and quietly he/she identified his/her gender and gender expression. I hope Kegan's total lack of awareness, of how different he/she is from society's expectations for a five year old born with a penis, segues nicely into strength and courage when he/she does realize he/she is different than many, but definitely not all.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Are We Enough?
I keep telling myself Kegan has a safe home environment, an environment that never questions who he/she is and that is enough to protect Kegan. Even though the world and even extended family members may be against Kegan for being Kegan, home is safe and that can be life saving.
No matter what challenges and obstacles Kegan faces in the world, he/she will always have a safe home to come back to. But what if that isn't enough? I just read that transgender people have an even higher murder rate than gay and lesbian people. What if my child, one day, can't make it home in time?
My gosh, our world is harsh and I fear so much for my baby. I worry about the neighbors seeing this often covered in mud and barefoot kid walking out in a sundress this spring. Literally, the other day, Kegan wanted to get the mail and it was a rare nice day aka the neighbor kids might be outside. I was panicked about my child being spotted and laughed it.
We have told our family and many friends about Kegan being bigender. But I still need to tell our quite working-class, hunter neighbors. Soon, like last week, before any more "sunny and warm in the 50's" days happen.
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