Thursday, July 17, 2014

Names of Roses

I just submitted some claims to our FSA account and it is so strange to see Kegan's old name on the paperwork and is even stranger to click the box next to that name. I realize it is just a name, but at the same time it is not "just a name." It is her old name, her name when we thought she was a boy, her past.

We still have photos of her when she looked like a boy on display in the house. So far we have not discussed removing them, she hasn't asked and we haven't offered. She seems very confident in her life...this is who I was and this is who I am now. Maybe because she transitioned so young she won't ever ask us to take the photos down.

Somehow the photos don't seem wrong, like her name on the insurance bills do. Maybe because we all look different in old photos...certainly not as different as Kegan does or will. But hairstyles change color, length, height(!!); clothes change drastically between decades...sometimes it is hard to recognize who we were or who we thought we were.  If she does ask us to remove them or place them out of sight of visitors, we will honor her request without delay.

I was literally about to type, "But I honestly don't expect her to make that request," when I flashed to her teen years and friends coming over to visit and suddenly I thought, "Yeah, she is probably going to ask." Then I flashed to an upcoming playdate with a new friend who did not know Kegan prior to her transition. Will Kegan want this child to continue to not know, at least until when/if they become good pals? (This brings up a whole new set of concerns: who deserves to know? Who needs to know?) This playdate just went from a fun new opportunity to a huge risk somehow. The playdate is not even at our home....I am just projecting ahead to if this neutral location goes well.

Maybe our photos will be coming down. It makes me sad if they do, not because I need to have photos to remember her past, but because the thought of her feeling the need to hide or forget her past shatters my heart.

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