Words have meaning. I have always said that. Never has that been more true than as I contemplate the way we use words with the issue of transgenderism. (Speaking of words, is that even a word?)
We have given Kegan very little education on being transgender in our society. I am a big proponent of being honest, of being forthcoming, and being an educator. Kegan knows she is different than many girls. But she doesn't know it is, kind of a big deal. And we will keep her sheltered from that for as long as we can. (Fully recognizing the time limit on that is soon expiring.)
Kegan will sometimes say, "When I was a boy..." I gently comment, "When we thought you were a boy? You've always been a girl, we just thought you were a boy." It is important to be clear she didn't become a girl, she is and always has been a girl. We were wrong, we made a grave error, we gave her the wrong label. She was a girl from day one, not she became a girl.
The author of Gender Born, Gender Made talks about the term "transgender" being inappropriate. The prefix "trans" means to change thoroughly. But people who are transgender are not changing anything. They are making a correction in the label name they were originally given. If I consider this for long it makes me sad. It makes me sad because words have meaning and we already mislabeled Kegan once, as a boy. When we label her transgender now we are making the same mistake again. She didn't change, she is still Kegan. She just let the world know, we the world, got it wrong. Sadly, I don't expect a more accurate label to come along, so for now we just are going with "transgender."
Recently a girl in Canada had her birth certificate updated to reflect her true gender self. I saw a tweet that announced, "11 -Year Old Canadian girl gets birth certificate changed." Someone replied (or whatever you do on twitter), "She didn't change her birth certificate, she corrected it." I thought, "Wow!" Two words, both start with the letter "c," but it changes the meaning so drastically!
As a mom of a trans* kid I constantly find my addled brain on alert to choose my words very carefully and very wisely because I know those who don't accept the idea of a gender spectrum or the idea of people identifying as their true gender selves as reasonable human variations, will look for my errors. They will pounce on my misspoken words. But equally important, as I educate those who are accepting, as I speak as an ally, I need to ensure my words are accurate.
Showing posts with label Teach Society. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Teach Society. Show all posts
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Monday, July 21, 2014
The Best of Times (so far)
I am so thankful that Kegan is being raised right now, in this time, in this world. Not the world where rape is an epidemic on college campuses. Not the world where airplanes are shot out of the sky with missiles. Not the world where Gaza is being blown to pieces. Not the world where 4 people died in Chicago this weekend alone, by gunshot wounds. Not the world where citizens on our border hurl hateful insults at children trying to escape a life of unbearable hardship. Not the world where we fly drones and shoot people with very little consequence.
No, not the world. But this world:
The world where being transgender does not mean an automatic ex-communication from your Church, your family, your friends. The world where more and more parents are supporting their children who are trans*. The world where kids like Jazz and Ryland exist so boldly, leading the way for kids like Kegan. The world where the President of the United States stands up for the LGTBQ population. The world where people may call it a lifestyle choice (which I abhor!), but still offer my daughter hand me down dresses. The world where tolerance is becoming more common, where acceptance is becoming the goal. The world where it is as good as it has ever been, but not as good as it will be for the transgender community.
The world where moms like Debi Jackson educate hundreds of thousands (and soon millions, thanks to the power of videos going viral!) on what it means to be transgender and what it does not mean in six minutes or less. I just stood at my kitchen counter, with my hand covering my mouth to silence my deep crying as I watched this amazing woman tell my story, tell Kegan's story.
Sometimes I see or read something about trans* kids and it is so open, so raw, and such pure truth. Debi Jackson is a hero for all moms and all kids. I wish she was my BFF or at least the mom next door!
No, not the world. But this world:
The world where being transgender does not mean an automatic ex-communication from your Church, your family, your friends. The world where more and more parents are supporting their children who are trans*. The world where kids like Jazz and Ryland exist so boldly, leading the way for kids like Kegan. The world where the President of the United States stands up for the LGTBQ population. The world where people may call it a lifestyle choice (which I abhor!), but still offer my daughter hand me down dresses. The world where tolerance is becoming more common, where acceptance is becoming the goal. The world where it is as good as it has ever been, but not as good as it will be for the transgender community.
The world where moms like Debi Jackson educate hundreds of thousands (and soon millions, thanks to the power of videos going viral!) on what it means to be transgender and what it does not mean in six minutes or less. I just stood at my kitchen counter, with my hand covering my mouth to silence my deep crying as I watched this amazing woman tell my story, tell Kegan's story.
Sometimes I see or read something about trans* kids and it is so open, so raw, and such pure truth. Debi Jackson is a hero for all moms and all kids. I wish she was my BFF or at least the mom next door!
Thursday, July 10, 2014
The Hard Stuff
I recently wrote a post in response to the not infrequent comments my husband and I get about how incredibly difficult this journey must be for our family. The only thing that makes it truly hard, right now, is the lack of acceptance or the ignoring by family or friends. A transsexual woman commented on that post that I must really know it is actually quite hard for Kegan (or will be as she ages). I wanted to address that.
Certainly, I know it is so hard to be transgender. I am totally aware of how difficult it is to be a girl with a penis (as much as I can be aware, as a girl with a vulva). The other day I was explaining to Sean about why, as a girl, I don't have a penis and had to stop because, well, not all girls have vulvas...some of them, like my daughter have a penis. I get it. It is actually really hard.
I know that my daughter is part of a community who has an astronomical suicide attempt rate. 41% versus less than 2% for the general population. That thought crosses my mind daily. Daily. I am constantly aware that my daughter has a close to 50% chance of attempting suicide simply because of who she is.
Unemployment is higher among trans* individuals. My daughter could be fired from a job (if she was old enough to have one that is!) in many states just because she is transgender. Getting a driver's license photo taken is not just about trying to smile in time for the DMV customer service rep but convincing him or her to allow you to look like you look on a daily basis. It is not easy to be transgender.
Do I worry about who will love my child? My only hope is for my kids to be happy and safe in life. Who will love this flawed human being who by the way also has a penis but is actually a girl? Will she be a lesbian? Will that make physical love easier? I have no idea, I am utterly ignorant on how to help her figure all this out. Will she be straight? Will there be a man who is comfortable with non-traditional sex to love her enough as she is? Does it make me sad (and stunned) that at not even six years old I am worrying about my child's future sex life? It does. Worrying about her marriage prospects. Worrying about people accepting her not only today, but next week, next month, next year, when she is 14, 16, 18, 22, 33, 46, 57, 63.
When my daughter is 89 and living in a skilled nursing facility will the world be kind to her? Will the caregivers be polite to her and call her Miss Kegan while giving her a bath and seeing her penis? Will they be mean behind her back? Will some of them refuse to care for her because she does not meet their norms? Will some of them not answer her call button when she needs help because of who she is? My daughter is six and I literally worry about her end of life days when she is an old lady. How messed up is that? Thanks society!
Have we lost family and friends who can't accept her? Yep. Do I dread the day she figures out that it hasn't just "been awhile since we saw certain people"? Yes. Do I fear the day she discovers she is not as "normal" as we have led her to believe? Do I wonder nightly if we should be telling her more truth today so it won't hurt so much tomorrow? Or is it right to keep her innocent, to build her strength and boldness now while our opinion is the only one that matters to her? Do I cry over my fear of not having the right words to help her when someone rejects her? I do. I do.
I question every decision we make. Most parents do that. I question ours purely because I want to do the right thing (like all parents), but also because if I screw this up my baby might try to kill herself. Do I wonder at what point I have to tell friends who don't know...what about sleep overs? Do those moms have a right to know that my daughter has a penis if their daughter is sleeping next to her at age ten during a slumber party? I don't know. I want it to not matter. But in our world, it sure seems to matter a lot.
I feel so sad that my daughter won't be able to carry a child under her heart if she desires that. Do I question if we should freeze her sperm if she decides to go on hormone blockers before puberty? I do...how crazy is that? She is five! Five and I am wondering...is it possible for a ten year old to masturbate to produce sperm for freezing so she might be able to have her own biological children one day? It is completely crazy.
So I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, this is hard. And as hard as it is for me, it will be ten million times harder for Kegan. But...the actual part of having a trans* kid...that is not hard. All of the above, with the exception of fertility, is directly responding to society. To the lack of acceptance by society. If society would just accept a non binary gender spectrum, if society would just be willing to evaluate the real problems in life (I made a small sample list on my post) then none of this would be hard. It would be a journey like any other life journey. Filled with joy, misery, love, heartache, sorrow, happiness, peace, anxiety. It would just be the "simple" life everyone has. Society makes it hard. People not accepting others makes it hard. The trans* part itself is not the hard.
I suppose ask me in 10 year when she is 16. Maybe I am speaking too early. But for right now, this is where I am. And all the hard comes from one place...the world. Never from my daughter's true self.
Disclaimer:
I think I might sound angry at my commenter and I am not. I am angry though. Angry that this conversation even needs to be had. I am so angry that my daughter will have a harder life than she needs to. I am angry that all these worries and fears come from people being unaccepting. I am thankful the commenter pointed out it is really hard for her and it will be really hard for my daughter, But I already knew that (sadly). I just wish the origin of what makes it hard could be solved. To do that we need to fix society to accept all human beings where they are right now.
Certainly, I know it is so hard to be transgender. I am totally aware of how difficult it is to be a girl with a penis (as much as I can be aware, as a girl with a vulva). The other day I was explaining to Sean about why, as a girl, I don't have a penis and had to stop because, well, not all girls have vulvas...some of them, like my daughter have a penis. I get it. It is actually really hard.
I know that my daughter is part of a community who has an astronomical suicide attempt rate. 41% versus less than 2% for the general population. That thought crosses my mind daily. Daily. I am constantly aware that my daughter has a close to 50% chance of attempting suicide simply because of who she is.
Unemployment is higher among trans* individuals. My daughter could be fired from a job (if she was old enough to have one that is!) in many states just because she is transgender. Getting a driver's license photo taken is not just about trying to smile in time for the DMV customer service rep but convincing him or her to allow you to look like you look on a daily basis. It is not easy to be transgender.
Do I worry about who will love my child? My only hope is for my kids to be happy and safe in life. Who will love this flawed human being who by the way also has a penis but is actually a girl? Will she be a lesbian? Will that make physical love easier? I have no idea, I am utterly ignorant on how to help her figure all this out. Will she be straight? Will there be a man who is comfortable with non-traditional sex to love her enough as she is? Does it make me sad (and stunned) that at not even six years old I am worrying about my child's future sex life? It does. Worrying about her marriage prospects. Worrying about people accepting her not only today, but next week, next month, next year, when she is 14, 16, 18, 22, 33, 46, 57, 63.
When my daughter is 89 and living in a skilled nursing facility will the world be kind to her? Will the caregivers be polite to her and call her Miss Kegan while giving her a bath and seeing her penis? Will they be mean behind her back? Will some of them refuse to care for her because she does not meet their norms? Will some of them not answer her call button when she needs help because of who she is? My daughter is six and I literally worry about her end of life days when she is an old lady. How messed up is that? Thanks society!
Have we lost family and friends who can't accept her? Yep. Do I dread the day she figures out that it hasn't just "been awhile since we saw certain people"? Yes. Do I fear the day she discovers she is not as "normal" as we have led her to believe? Do I wonder nightly if we should be telling her more truth today so it won't hurt so much tomorrow? Or is it right to keep her innocent, to build her strength and boldness now while our opinion is the only one that matters to her? Do I cry over my fear of not having the right words to help her when someone rejects her? I do. I do.
I question every decision we make. Most parents do that. I question ours purely because I want to do the right thing (like all parents), but also because if I screw this up my baby might try to kill herself. Do I wonder at what point I have to tell friends who don't know...what about sleep overs? Do those moms have a right to know that my daughter has a penis if their daughter is sleeping next to her at age ten during a slumber party? I don't know. I want it to not matter. But in our world, it sure seems to matter a lot.
I feel so sad that my daughter won't be able to carry a child under her heart if she desires that. Do I question if we should freeze her sperm if she decides to go on hormone blockers before puberty? I do...how crazy is that? She is five! Five and I am wondering...is it possible for a ten year old to masturbate to produce sperm for freezing so she might be able to have her own biological children one day? It is completely crazy.
So I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, this is hard. And as hard as it is for me, it will be ten million times harder for Kegan. But...the actual part of having a trans* kid...that is not hard. All of the above, with the exception of fertility, is directly responding to society. To the lack of acceptance by society. If society would just accept a non binary gender spectrum, if society would just be willing to evaluate the real problems in life (I made a small sample list on my post) then none of this would be hard. It would be a journey like any other life journey. Filled with joy, misery, love, heartache, sorrow, happiness, peace, anxiety. It would just be the "simple" life everyone has. Society makes it hard. People not accepting others makes it hard. The trans* part itself is not the hard.
I suppose ask me in 10 year when she is 16. Maybe I am speaking too early. But for right now, this is where I am. And all the hard comes from one place...the world. Never from my daughter's true self.
Disclaimer:
I think I might sound angry at my commenter and I am not. I am angry though. Angry that this conversation even needs to be had. I am so angry that my daughter will have a harder life than she needs to. I am angry that all these worries and fears come from people being unaccepting. I am thankful the commenter pointed out it is really hard for her and it will be really hard for my daughter, But I already knew that (sadly). I just wish the origin of what makes it hard could be solved. To do that we need to fix society to accept all human beings where they are right now.
Dear DMV,
I have read of three people in the past week having problems at the DMV. No, not the long lines, grumpy employee, wrong forms kind of problems that everyone complains about, but discrimination problems.
In West Virginia two women were informed that because their license lists them as male they could not wear makeup for their photo. By wearing make up (and in one case apparently, false eyelashes) they were "attempting to conceal or alter their appearance." In South Carolina a teenager who identifies as male but wears "female" clothing (why must we label clothes?) and make up every single day was told to remove his make up for the same reason these women were told to remove theirs.
Here is the thing, DMV, that IS their appearance. By forcing these women and this boy to NOT wear make up, to not wear their false eyelashes, you are inherently forcing them to alter or conceal their appearance. If they are pulled over or attempt to use their driver's license for proof of identity, they will not match the picture because of how you want them to look in front of your camera.
If someone comes into your office and tells you that she is a transgender woman, try to take that at face value. If someone tells you he is gender non-conforming, trust him. People are not transgender or gender non-conforming for the fun of it or for a social experiment. People do not live their life in a manner which is shunned by much of society just to get a different look for their driver's license photo.
Get it together DMV. Because in 10 years my daughter will be waiting in line and I can only hope you will have figured out how to accept a person who who they are and for who they live their life as by then. In fact, figure it out by next week...these human beings waiting now should not have to deal with this today.
Sincerely,
Kay
-Proud Mom of my MTF transgender daughter
-Ally to the LGBTQ Community
In West Virginia two women were informed that because their license lists them as male they could not wear makeup for their photo. By wearing make up (and in one case apparently, false eyelashes) they were "attempting to conceal or alter their appearance." In South Carolina a teenager who identifies as male but wears "female" clothing (why must we label clothes?) and make up every single day was told to remove his make up for the same reason these women were told to remove theirs.
Here is the thing, DMV, that IS their appearance. By forcing these women and this boy to NOT wear make up, to not wear their false eyelashes, you are inherently forcing them to alter or conceal their appearance. If they are pulled over or attempt to use their driver's license for proof of identity, they will not match the picture because of how you want them to look in front of your camera.
If someone comes into your office and tells you that she is a transgender woman, try to take that at face value. If someone tells you he is gender non-conforming, trust him. People are not transgender or gender non-conforming for the fun of it or for a social experiment. People do not live their life in a manner which is shunned by much of society just to get a different look for their driver's license photo.
Get it together DMV. Because in 10 years my daughter will be waiting in line and I can only hope you will have figured out how to accept a person who who they are and for who they live their life as by then. In fact, figure it out by next week...these human beings waiting now should not have to deal with this today.
Sincerely,
Kay
-Proud Mom of my MTF transgender daughter
-Ally to the LGBTQ Community
Monday, June 30, 2014
Pride
Do you remember the pep rally chant in high school? "We've got spirit, yes we do, we've got spirit, how 'bout you?" I feel like we have a lot of Pride spirit, but I am not sure how to show it. I want to be like those parents who post videos online of their trans* kid showing the world how similar a trans* kid can be to a cis kid. I want to tell everyone I meet (okay, not everyone!) that my daughter is trans* and show them how she is totally normal. I want to break down barriers, open doors, and build a safer world for her and this community.
But...she is little, not quite six. She has no idea that there are people who not only will think she is weird, but will reject her simply because she was born in the wrong body. The other day she asked me why I was giving a book about a trans* kid to a friend. I told her because some people have never heard that some people are born in the wrong body. She was incredulous and asked, "Really?!?!" She has been taught that having a trans* daughter, sister, friend is totally normal. That being trans* is no less normal than someone wearing glasses because their eyes were born not quite developed all the way.
I am so thankful her confidence is not shattered or shuttered by her transgenderism. I am so happy she gets to continue living her life exactly as before only with a new name in new clothes. I am beyond thankful for her innocence. I dread the day she discovers we have been keeping such a dark secret from her that some people think being trans* is wrong, against God, against humanity. This is a life lesson I am hopeful she doesn't experience for many years, when she has identified as trans* for so long and has had so many, many positive experiences that nothing will faze her for long.
I want to take her to a Pride Parade. I want to introduce her to other kids like her. I want her to know she isn't alone. We have talked about meeting other kids like her and she has vacillated between loving the idea and being fine to not add new friends to her dance card right now.
My hesitation with taking her to Pride is I feel like if we make being trans* a big deal then she will start to recognize it, well, it kind of is a big deal in our world. I love that she thinks life has not changed for her or us. I love that she went from being a boy to a boy and a girl to a girl so seamlessly, so smoothly, and so free of angst or sorrow. I do not want to introduce any negativity to her about who she is.
Yet, when we don't go to Pride Parades or when I don't post something fabulous about her in a "Parents of Transgender Kids" group on Facebook, I feel like I am only half an ally. But I don't want to out her anymore than I do already....family, friends, dentist office, doctor office, my work, my husband's work, anyone who asks me, "How are the boys?"...I feel like I out her all the time. And what if she doesn't want to be outed? There are so many people in our lives, either immediately or on the periphery enough that I need to share her gender with, it seems like I do it all the time. And I want it to be her who outs herself. But she doesn't even realize there is anything to out...which is amazing and awesome.
I guess I will continue to educate people, buy books for people, write heartfelt letters about my daughter's transition, and entertain any and all questions because right now that is how I get to be an ally and still protect Kegan.
I want her to own a rainbow flag...but I don't want her to know it is special because of who she is. Not yet, not yet. Is that wrong?
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Her Light Glows Brighter
There is a lovely, lovely woman who I have known for about five months. Her daughter and Kegan are in a class together. Kegan has been wearing girl clothes to this class for about a month. The only comments she has received have been oohs and aahs over the cute styles. One of the little girls in the class tells her mom every other week, "I want a shirt like Kegan's" or "Did you see Kegan's shoes, I want shoes like that!"
Last week, I told this woman that Kegan is transgender and identifies as a girl. She was immediately accepting and kind. She said many things, all of them quite perfect. I wish I could remember all the gems of wisdom she shared, but I do remember how my heart felt comforted that she was accepting and her daughter would be allowed to continue to be friends with Kegan.
I sent a hasty email to the moms I am friends with in this class last night, along with our amazing teacher to let them know about Kegan's new name. The responses I received from each were beyond my expectations and hopes.
Our teacher said, "Great for Kegan! I am stoked that she knows who she is and is not afraid of her beautiful self." The one mom wrote to say that her daughter was so worried she would use the wrong name by mistake and to please tell Kegan she is so sorry if she does. Another mom said, "Kids are so much less rigid than adults, my son will be completely fine with this." Deep breath: check. Tears on cheeks: check. Sense of peace: check.
Today we arrived a few minutes late for class, when we arrived the teacher shouted Kegan's new name and followed it with, "Yay! You made it!" The lovely woman, who I will call, Hope, greeted Kegan and Sean with her usual enthusiasm. I sat next to her and she looked at me, she looked at Kegan participating in class, and she said, "Kegan seems much happier now as a girl, she seems lighter."
I immediately felt such a sense of comfort and said, "Do you really think so? Because I do too! She is much kinder to Sean now and just seems happier to me too!" I didn't know if I was reading into something that wasn't there or looking for confirmation that we made the right choice to embrace Kegan on this journey. My husband has agreed with me that she seems happier and is kinder to Sean, but it seemed easy to believe we were both seeing what we wanted to see. But this woman, completely without any prompting said this and I feel it is so true.
Kegan IS happier. Did she know she was uncomfortable? Did she always feel not quite right? I never thought of Kegan as an unhappy boy, but Hope said it well when she said, "He was intense, she is lighter."
So to anyone who says this is the wrong parenting move to let our child be who she says she is, who she knows she is, I say, "But she is happier now. And that is all that matters."
.
Last week, I told this woman that Kegan is transgender and identifies as a girl. She was immediately accepting and kind. She said many things, all of them quite perfect. I wish I could remember all the gems of wisdom she shared, but I do remember how my heart felt comforted that she was accepting and her daughter would be allowed to continue to be friends with Kegan.
I sent a hasty email to the moms I am friends with in this class last night, along with our amazing teacher to let them know about Kegan's new name. The responses I received from each were beyond my expectations and hopes.
Our teacher said, "Great for Kegan! I am stoked that she knows who she is and is not afraid of her beautiful self." The one mom wrote to say that her daughter was so worried she would use the wrong name by mistake and to please tell Kegan she is so sorry if she does. Another mom said, "Kids are so much less rigid than adults, my son will be completely fine with this." Deep breath: check. Tears on cheeks: check. Sense of peace: check.
Today we arrived a few minutes late for class, when we arrived the teacher shouted Kegan's new name and followed it with, "Yay! You made it!" The lovely woman, who I will call, Hope, greeted Kegan and Sean with her usual enthusiasm. I sat next to her and she looked at me, she looked at Kegan participating in class, and she said, "Kegan seems much happier now as a girl, she seems lighter."
I immediately felt such a sense of comfort and said, "Do you really think so? Because I do too! She is much kinder to Sean now and just seems happier to me too!" I didn't know if I was reading into something that wasn't there or looking for confirmation that we made the right choice to embrace Kegan on this journey. My husband has agreed with me that she seems happier and is kinder to Sean, but it seemed easy to believe we were both seeing what we wanted to see. But this woman, completely without any prompting said this and I feel it is so true.
Kegan IS happier. Did she know she was uncomfortable? Did she always feel not quite right? I never thought of Kegan as an unhappy boy, but Hope said it well when she said, "He was intense, she is lighter."
So to anyone who says this is the wrong parenting move to let our child be who she says she is, who she knows she is, I say, "But she is happier now. And that is all that matters."
.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
#Acceptance
"Well, don't you look adorable."
Those were the first words out of an acquaintance's mouth last week when she saw Kegan in a skirt and tee-shirt. We have very occasional play-dates with her and her son, so have not seen them since Kegan turned in her "boy clothes" for "girl clothes."
This mom is on my list of people I still need to talk to/inform/check for acceptance, but I guess our small community circumvented another "coming out" email or talk. I could not have been more pleased with her reaction or her kindness to my Kegan. Of course, she hammed it up with a big thank you smile.
That was just about the extent of the conversation as we ran into her as she was heading into an appointment she was already late for, so we didn't even have time to say more than "It is so nice to see you." I expected acceptance from this mom, but her grace and quick response to Kegan were so much more than I ever expected.
Later, on this same day, we finally had a play date with some neighbors who I have been avoiding while I try to figure out how to re-introduce my child to them. We live in a middle class, seemingly conservative-ish neighborhood. Although, to be honest, I am basing that on very little information, just a few casual observations. Anyway, our house is one of the favorite places for the kids in this neighborhood to hang out. I don't know quite why (other than my kids are awesome! Humble, much?) and I have been quite worried about my kids losing friends because of a lack of acceptance.
So our little friend, who is slightly older than Kegan, did a double take when she saw Kegan decked out in a denim skirt and fitted tee-shirt, but then carried on as usual with her standard questions of "Can we play blah, blah, blah?" I had been having anxiety all week because we have been coming home when all the kids are usually out playing, so each day my nerves have been completely shot as I prepped for our first encounter. (I even, quite disturbingly, have been hoping for rain rather than these glorious spring days!)
Today, I intentionally threw my dinner plans out the window so we could stay out longer in hopes of getting this "living in hiding in open sight" drama done with once and for all. And it worked, yay! Our little friend and my kids played just like they always have. I was prepared for questions and answers, I have our Be Who You Are book at the front door, ready to be given to her parents, I have been building up my strength to go talk to her parents....and I had to do nothing.
Her mom also responded with nothing, which I am taking as a total positive. I was going to explain that Kegan is now identifying as a girl and go through the whole crash course on gender identity I have been rehearsing, but then it suddenly seemed unnecessary at this point. I decided, "Let them just think Kegan is being gender non-conforming without any gender identity aspects." My line of thought is to let them just get used to seeing Kegan dress this way...to slowly build them up for this drastic change in the playmate down the street. I feel like with everyone else we have told we have had to go full throttle with details and a major shift in who Kegan is with no prep time. If our neighbors are comfortable with Kegan being gender fluid for now, then we can ease them into her being a girl as the spring days keep warming our faces.
Everyone else we have told so far are people that my kids would miss, but would not overtly miss because we don't see our family much and I could readily make excuses (they are sick, we are sick, we are going to ___ instead of there, etc.) that would be accepted with minimal questions. I am not saying my kids would not miss their cousins and grandparents, they would, but we see them infrequently enough that their absence from our lives would be relatively easy to excuse. But the kids in the neighborhood, while not as important relationship wise, would be heavily missed and our daily life would be very negatively affected if our community of neighbors was suddenly unfriendly and didn't play with us. My stress went from 100 to 50 after this encounter. So much relief flooded through me due to their lack of commentary, which I am taking as a total positive and hope it is. We made casual plans for more playing while the kids are on the upcoming spring break...my kids have their friends still!
I hate that our society is so intolerant of differences, that my expectation is almost always rejection, despite our very positive and often quite loving responses so far to Kegan's gender identity. I hate reading so many articles about the cruelties thrust upon those in the trans* community, I am terrified by the suicide rate of trans* teens, I am often overwhelmed at how much hardship my oldest will face, simply for being true to herself. I hope the acceptance we continue to receive for her is a predictor of a better world for her as she grows.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Miss Kegan
Kegan and Sean received snail mail today! There is little more exciting in the day to day events of the world than getting mail addressed to yourself when you are a kid! Today's mail was extra special for Kegan though.
The envelope was addressed to Mr. Sean and Miss Kegan. I asked Kegan if she knew what that meant and she said, "No." I said, "It means that whoever sent this to you knows you are a girl." Kegan has this very special, very big smile that she only uses when she is exceptionally happy. I see it almost every time it is apparent that someone, anyone, is recognizing her female identity.
When my husband came home I said, "Kegan got some special mail today." She then proceeded to tell, with her big smile, "I got an Easter card and on the outside it said to Miss Kegan. That means they knew I am a girl!!!"
When people acknowledge and accept Kegan for Kegan right where she is, it is like handing us a magical, amazing, perfect gift handmade with love and hope.
The envelope was addressed to Mr. Sean and Miss Kegan. I asked Kegan if she knew what that meant and she said, "No." I said, "It means that whoever sent this to you knows you are a girl." Kegan has this very special, very big smile that she only uses when she is exceptionally happy. I see it almost every time it is apparent that someone, anyone, is recognizing her female identity.
When my husband came home I said, "Kegan got some special mail today." She then proceeded to tell, with her big smile, "I got an Easter card and on the outside it said to Miss Kegan. That means they knew I am a girl!!!"
When people acknowledge and accept Kegan for Kegan right where she is, it is like handing us a magical, amazing, perfect gift handmade with love and hope.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Follow Up to "Acceptance"
I just realized my family isn't defined by society's normal anymore. We belong to a new community, the community of families who don't fit neatly into some 1950's stereotype. I knew our family was different, but I have mostly thought of Kegan as the one who is defying social constructs. I thought of the rest of us as just members of her family. The people who champion her, support her, love her, stand up for her and beside her, but mostly her supporting cast versus her fellow leads.
On some level, I am sure I knew our family didn't get to check the box for "same ethnicity/race/creed, heterosexual, two kids, cisgender family" anymore, but even though this transition is a transition for our whole family, it ultimately is Kegan who has to face the biggest challenges and so I hadn't really considered our family challenges.
After I posted my proud little "we are such an accepting family" post I watched some of the Honey Maid videos on the families in their "This is Wholesome" commercial. I then watched their follow up video they made in response to the negative feedback they received for such a beautiful, truthful, perfect commercial.
As I watched the "Love" video tears streamed down my cheeks. I saw words like, "Horrible. NOT wholesome." and "DO NOT APPROVE!" and "Disgusting!!" Those comments are not only about the beautiful families in this commercial, but about my family, about my kids, and I don't ever want them to know how hateful people may be to them because of who Kegan is. Kegan is perfect, she is a perfect little girl whose heart is alive and joyful. Sean is a sweet, sweet little boy who loves his sister, who will do anything to make her laugh, who will not stop breaking a rule if "But Kegan is laughing Mommy!" We are normal, we are a family, we are love.
My heart doesn't ache for the loss of our "normal" label. In fact, it doesn't ache for that at all. It aches for the rejection our kids could face because we don't get to wear that label on our shirts anymore. It aches for the rejection my child will face because she was born in a boy body, but has the brain and heart of a girl.
My tears turned from sorrow to peace as the response continued and Honey Maid said they had received ten times as much positive feedback! I saw words like, "family is family" and "makes my heart happy," and "folks like my family," and "We applaud Honey Maid." Honey Maid said the truth, "That only one thing really matters when it comes to family: Love." They nailed it.
Honey Maid while trying to sell some crackers has validated my family and so many other families. They have validated my child as a person worthy of love, a human being deserving of kindness, a member of our beautiful family equal in her worth to every other little girl who graces this earth.
Our family has left the majority of families who do fit neatly into the "normal" box and we have joined a new community. A diverse, beautiful, strong community of people who fit into our own boxes. Our boxes may not have four ninety degree angles, but they are overflowing with love. And that is really the only thing that makes a family.
On some level, I am sure I knew our family didn't get to check the box for "same ethnicity/race/creed, heterosexual, two kids, cisgender family" anymore, but even though this transition is a transition for our whole family, it ultimately is Kegan who has to face the biggest challenges and so I hadn't really considered our family challenges.
After I posted my proud little "we are such an accepting family" post I watched some of the Honey Maid videos on the families in their "This is Wholesome" commercial. I then watched their follow up video they made in response to the negative feedback they received for such a beautiful, truthful, perfect commercial.
As I watched the "Love" video tears streamed down my cheeks. I saw words like, "Horrible. NOT wholesome." and "DO NOT APPROVE!" and "Disgusting!!" Those comments are not only about the beautiful families in this commercial, but about my family, about my kids, and I don't ever want them to know how hateful people may be to them because of who Kegan is. Kegan is perfect, she is a perfect little girl whose heart is alive and joyful. Sean is a sweet, sweet little boy who loves his sister, who will do anything to make her laugh, who will not stop breaking a rule if "But Kegan is laughing Mommy!" We are normal, we are a family, we are love.
My heart doesn't ache for the loss of our "normal" label. In fact, it doesn't ache for that at all. It aches for the rejection our kids could face because we don't get to wear that label on our shirts anymore. It aches for the rejection my child will face because she was born in a boy body, but has the brain and heart of a girl.
My tears turned from sorrow to peace as the response continued and Honey Maid said they had received ten times as much positive feedback! I saw words like, "family is family" and "makes my heart happy," and "folks like my family," and "We applaud Honey Maid." Honey Maid said the truth, "That only one thing really matters when it comes to family: Love." They nailed it.
Honey Maid while trying to sell some crackers has validated my family and so many other families. They have validated my child as a person worthy of love, a human being deserving of kindness, a member of our beautiful family equal in her worth to every other little girl who graces this earth.
Our family has left the majority of families who do fit neatly into the "normal" box and we have joined a new community. A diverse, beautiful, strong community of people who fit into our own boxes. Our boxes may not have four ninety degree angles, but they are overflowing with love. And that is really the only thing that makes a family.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Acceptance
Do I even get to call it acceptance, if my kids don't even know there is any other option? Well, they know some people are bigoted against people who are different. They know some people think a man and a man should not be allowed to be married or that some people think African-Americans aren't as good as white people. What they don't know is, why that bigotry exists and I certainly can't tell them why. I do not know why people chose to be bigoted, why people chose to think there is only one right way to live, why people think people have a choice about who they are.
I know this: I can raise my kids in a home where love is always the first response. I can hope they take that with them when they leave.
Today we watched the HoneyMaid commercial and as we watched it I stopped it for each family's part. I asked my five year old, "What is happening here?" for each scene. Below are her answers for the ones that, I assume, seem to be causing all the uproar:
What is happening here?
I hope these commercials that show a variety of families will normalize these normal families. I hope that they teach that love is what makes a family, not matching skin tones or opposite genders. I hope my kids will always see nothing more than a family when they look at photos or real people who have chosen or been blessed to be together.
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